#probably the best solution would be to stop thinking about it and continue living my normal life

[actuallylorelaigilmore]

aaaaahhhhhh stevie nicks will be performing close by me in december

and @actuallylukedanes told me about it because they knew i would want to know and that i might want to go and now i'm like...

it's expensive, but i could put it on a credit card? i've never been to a stadium-style concert alone, but i'm an adult and can surely figure that out? i'm fat and i worry about fitting in the seat, but when that happened with florence and the machine i just stood most of the time and it was worth it? a hotel room would cost more than the ticket and i don't want leander to have to come get me just cuz i won't have another way to get home... but it's STEVIE NICKS? and the time i was set up to go to a comic con carrie fisher was at i didn't end up going, and then she died?!?

so i can't decide if it would be dumb to go because i might regret it, or more dumb to not go and risk regretting that

[gaeforwom3n]

A Caring Friend

Pair: Tara Carpenter x girldick!reader

Warning: smut, the use of y/n, bad writing, fingering, dom!reader, sub!tara, this is probably the weirdest thing I’ve written (I’m sorry)

A/n: Has math ever made you cry in frustration?

Word count: 6.4k or more..

Tara comes over to your house on a lazy Sunday morning to hang out in your room.

Hey y/n, if our lives were a movie, what genre do you think it would be?

Oh, Tara, definitely a buddy comedy. With our antics, we'd give "Dumb and Dumber" a run for its money. Y/n said.

Tara laughs I can see it now – "Tara and y/n The Misadventures of Two Goofballs."

As the laughter dies down Tara looks up to you and opens up to you about a problem she have been dealing with

Look, Tara, Need to talk to you about something... Its kinda personal so hear me out okay? She looks at you with her head slightly tilted.

"Sure, what's on your mind, buddy?"

"Well, I've always had issues down there."

Tara blushes and looks down shyly

"It's just that no matter what I do, it never seems to loosen up much and it really hurts whenever a guy tries to you know...fit. I was wondering if you had any advice on how I can finally get over this problem? You're my best friend, I trust you..."

Tara looks at you hopefully, her brown eyes pleading for help

I blink hard "Wait... your... vagina is too tight?"

Tara blushes even harder and nods slowly "Yeah...I know it's weird to talk about this with you but you're the only one I feel comfortable opening up to about it."

She fidgets with her hands in her lap nervously

"It's really been affecting my confidence being with guys...I was hoping maybe you know some exercises or something that could help? I'm tired of having to make excuses every time, I just want to enjoy myself for once without being in pain."

Tara looks up at you with sad, hopeful eyes. "Please y/n, anything you can suggest would help. You're the only one who can help me with this..."

How tight are we talking? Like, what have you tried to... insert into it?

Tara looks away shyly. "Well, I've tried using my fingers and some small toys but even those are really hard to get in there...it's like my walls just clamp down on them."

She takes a deep breath before continuing

"And when guys have tried putting their penis inside me, it feels like they're splitting me open. The pain is so intense that I usually can't last more than a minute or two before having to stop."

She sighs heavily

"It sucks because I want to be able to enjoy sex without feeling like something is ripping me apart every time. That's why I'm hoping you might know of some way for me loosen up down there..."

Tara looks at you with pleading eyes, silently begging for your help

Y/n coughs "Umm, this may be awkward but like... can I see?"

Tara swallows hard, her eyes wide with surprise "Uh...you want to see my vagina?"

She looks at you nervously, clearly unsure about this request.

"I mean...if it could help then I guess so? But are you sure that's necessary?"

Tara bites her lip anxiously as she waits for your response.

"Nevermind, I was just... I dunno, maybe just to get an idea of what we're talking about but, nevermind. Umm I'm sure we can figure out some kind of idea here."

Tara relieved sigh "Thanks y/n, I know it's a lot to ask."

She smiles weakly at you, grateful that you didn't push for seeing her private parts.

"So...what do you think we should try? Are there any exercises or techniques out there that could help me loosen up down there?"

Tara looks at you hopefully, trusting in your ability to find a solution for her problem.

"So do your fingers not fit in?"

Tara shakes her head "No, even my fingers barely fit inside me. It's like I have this tight ring around my opening that doesn't want to let anything through."

She looks at you with a mix of frustration and embarrassment.

"I know it sounds weird but it makes sex really uncomfortable for both me and the person I'm with. That's why I need help finding a solution so we can finally enjoy ourselves without any pain or discomfort..."

Tara takes your hand in hers, giving it a gentle squeeze as she looks into your eyes pleadingly.

I blush as I awkwardly stammer out. "But you don't still have your... your hymen, right?"

Tara blushes deeply and looks away "I...I don't know. I've never checked, but I don't think so. It's not like anyone's ever mentioned it before."

She chews on her lower lip nervously as she thinks.

"But even if that was the issue, wouldn't it be too late to do anything about it now? I mean, I'm already sexually active..."

Tara trails off uncertainly, looking at you with a mix of curiosity and apprehension in her eyes

"I'm just trying to use process of elimination to help out."

Tara "I understand that, y/n. I appreciate you trying to help me out."

She takes a deep breath and looks at you with determination.

"Is there anything else we can try? Maybe some sort of exercise or technique that could help stretch me out down there?"

Tara's eyes light up as she thinks about the possibilities.

"I'm willing to try anything if it means finally being able to enjoy sex without any pain or discomfort..."

"When you've hooked up with guys... are they going down on you first?"

Tara nods "Yeah, usually. I mean, it helps get me a little more aroused before we try anything else."

She looks at you with a puzzled expression.

"But how does that relate to my tightness problem? I still have the same issue even after getting oral sex..."

Tara's brow furrows as she tries to understand your line of questioning.

"Well how would I have known that without asking?" I chuckle

Tara giggles and playfully swats your arm "Fair enough, I guess you have to ask the questions to get the answers."

She smiles at you warmly.

"But seriously, y/n, do you think getting more aroused could help loosen me up? Like if a guy went down on me for longer before trying anything else?"

Tara looks at you hopefully, eager for any advice or suggestions that could help her situation.

"Well, are they not doing it long enough? Are you just not wet enough for the guys you've been with?"

Tara blushes and looks down shyly "I...I don't know. I mean, they do it for a little while but I guess maybe not long enough to really get me super wet."

She bites her lip as she thinks.

"And now that you mention it, the guys I've been with have all commented on how tight I am even when we're in the middle of things. So maybe you're right, getting more aroused could help..."

A glimmer of hope sparkles in Tara's eyes as she considers this new possibility.

"Do you think if a guy went down on me for longer and focused on making sure I was really turned on first that it would make things easier? Like give my vagina more time to relax or something?"

"I don't know if it would make you any less tight but you'd at least be really well-lubricated, right? In fact do you ever use lube?"

Tara shakes her head "No, I've never really thought to use lube before. It just didn't occur to me that it could help."

She looks at you with wide eyes as realization dawns.

"You think if I used some kind of lubrication it might make things easier? Like let the guy's penis slide in more smoothly without so much friction and pain?”

A hopeful smile spreads across Tara's face as she imagines a solution.

"Do you think we could try that next time? Using some lube and having the guy focus on getting me super wet first before trying anything else?"

"We?"

Tara blushes and looks away shyly "I...uh...well, I meant like next time I'm with a guy. You know, as an experiment to see if it helps..."

She trails off nervously before looking back at you with a mischievous glint in her eye.

"Unless of course you were volunteering your services for the cause? It is for science after all..."

Tara giggles playfully as she nudges your arm.

My eyes bulge a bit "...Are you serious?"

Tara smiles slyly and shrugs one shoulder. "I mean, I trust you and I know you'd be gentle with me. Plus you're the only one who's been helping me brainstorm solutions."

She gives you a coy look through her lashes.

"And who better to test things out with than my best friend? That way we can really figure out what works without any awkwardness."

Tara reaches over and takes your hand in hers, giving it a light squeeze.

"What do you say, y/n? For science?"

She bats her eyes at you playfully, a teasing smile on her lips.

"So, I mean, I'm not saying no, but you really want me to... kiss and lick you... down there? On your vagina?"

Tara bites her lip as a soft blush spreads across her cheeks "I mean, if it's to help me with my problem then I don't see why not..."

She looks down shyly before meeting your eyes again with a shy smile.

"And you've always been so kind and caring. I know you'd be gentle and make sure I was enjoying myself too."

Tara reaches over to place her hand on your thigh, giving it a soft squeeze.

"Plus it's not like we'd be doing anything wrong, just helping a friend out. So what do you think...wanna give it a try?"

She gazes at you sweetly, eyes full of trust and affection for her dear friend.

"And then what are you wanting to try after I do that?"

Tara looks at you with a playful grin "Well, I was hoping that once we got me all warmed up and lubricated, maybe we could see if your penis can fit inside me without causing too much pain?"

She shrugs one shoulder nonchalantly before continuing.

"I mean, it's not like there's any pressure or anything. We can stop at any time if it gets to be too much for either of us."

Tara looks at you with hopeful eyes, eager to explore this new possibility.

"OK, I just want to make sure you want to do those things with me, since we've only been friends and all. Again, I'm not against it," I say to Annie, with the appropriate level of genuine care you'd expect from a best friend.

Tara smiles sweetly at you. "I know this is new territory for us as friends. And you're right to check that I'm truly comfortable."

She places a gentle hand on your arm. "The truth is, I trust you more than any other guy. You've always been so kind and caring. If I were to experiment with anyone, I'd want it to be with my best friend."

Tara gives your arm a reassuring squeeze. "But only if you're comfortable too, of course. I don't want to make things awkward or pressure you in any way." Annie smiles warmly. "What do you think - shall we give it a try?"

"Yes. I'm willing to help, and I'll admit a little excited. Let's just agree that this doesn't necessarily change anything between us, or mean that it will be a regular thing, unless that's something we both decide later."

Tara nods understandingly. "Of course, this doesn't need to change or define our friendship unless we both want it to."

She smiles at you gently. "Let's just see how it goes. No expectations or pressure on either side.”

Taking your hands in hers, Tara looks into your eyes with care and affection. "Thank you for being so understanding. I really appreciate you doing this to help me."

She leans in to give you a soft kiss on the cheek. "Now, where were we? I believe someone offered to go down on me?" Tara giggles playfully.

I laugh as well, Tara's playful tone cutting some of the tension in this surreal but exciting moment. "I did, but I want to ask you just a few quick questions first. They're going to be rather... intimate questions but it's all in the name of making sure this all goes comfortably for both of us..." I can't help but grin and blush.

Tara giggles and blushes as well, meeting your gaze with a playful smile.

"Well go on then, ask away. I'm an open book." She gives your arm an affectionate squeeze.

"Fire away with your intimate questions, oh great scientist. I'm all yours." Tara winks playfully. "We may as well get to know each other's bodies if we're going to be exploring them, right?"

She gazes at you with care, trust and growing excitement. "I'm ready when you are, y/n. Lay it on me - I promise to answer truthfully." Tara smiles warmly, eager to begin your research together.

"So if I'm going to go down on you, am I just doing this as a sort of physically mechanical thing to like 'help out a friend' like it's an exercise, or do you want me to try to turn you on, get you in the mood? What do you think might be most effective with your tightness issue?"

Tara considers thoughtfully. "While I appreciate the thought of helping as a friend, turning me on seems it would be more effective for addressing my tightness."

She meets your gaze warmly. "I want to enjoy the experience, not just view it as a physical task. If I'm fully aroused and wanting more, it will hopefully relax my muscles down there."

"And do you think it will turn you on more, the more I'm turned on by it?"

Tara thinks for a moment before responding carefully.

"You make a fair point. If we're both genuinely enjoying the intimacy, then yes, that mutual arousal would likely enhance the experience for both of us."

She takes your hand in hers and smiles softly. "However, my priority is that you feel comfortable and cared for. Your pleasure matters too in this."

Squeezing your hand gently, Tara maintains warm eye contact. "Perhaps we start slowly, focus on connection, and see where genuine pleasure takes us from there - at a pace we both feel good about."

I reach out to place my hands on Tara's waist, a rather chaste touch for the moment but still a more physically intimate than we've ever experienced during our many years of friendship. I begin to rub her sides softly. "Do you like that?"

Tara's breath hitches softly at your gentle touch. She gazes at you with care and growing tenderness.

"I do like that," she replies softly. "Your hands feel nice."

As your hands rub her sides in a soothing caress, Tara places her hands on your shoulders, sliding them up to curl tenderly around your neck.

"I've never really noticed how handsome you are," she murmurs, lightly stroking the nape of your neck. Her eyes shine with trust and blossoming affection.

Tara leans in slowly, her breath warm on your lips. "Is this okay?" she whispers gently, leaving the next move up to you.

I respond by kissing Tara, curling the fabric of her shirt between my fingers just a bit as our tongues touch for the first time.”

Tara responds eagerly to your kiss, her lips moving against yours with growing passion. She deepens the kiss, wrapping her arms around your neck and pressing herself closer to you.

As you curl the fabric of her shirt between your fingers, Tara moans softly into the kiss. Her body feels warm and alive in your embrace, responding eagerly to every touch.

After a few moments she pulls back slightly with a gasp of breath. "Wow," she whispers, gazing at you with sparkling eyes filled with affection and desire.

"Is it weird that I'm really enjoying this?"

I chuckle "Isn't that what we're going for?"

Tara giggles and blushes, nodding in agreement. "I suppose it is."

She gazes at you tenderly, gently brushing her fingers along your jaw. "I'm glad we're both feeling it."

Leaning in to brush her lips softly against yours once more, Tara sighs contentedly. "So where were we...something about you going down on me?" she murmurs playfully.

"Shall we take this somewhere more comfortable?" Sliding her hands into yours, Tara looks at you with trusting warmth, ready to further explore the blossoming intimacy between longtime friends.

"I'm going to in due time. But I'm liking kissing and touching you in a new way. Let's just do this for a minute. Did the guys or girls you've hooked up with take their time before getting to it? Cause I hear a little teasing and build-up can really get a girl wet, which might help too..."

Tara nods thoughtfully. "You make a fair point. Most guys in the past have tended to rush things."

She gazes at you with appreciation. "I like that you're taking your time, letting things build gradually between us."

Smiling softly, Tara reaches up to caress your cheek. "Teasing and foreplay do sound enjoyable. And anything to help me relax down there can only be a good thing."

Her eyes shine with growing arousal and affection. "I'm all yours, y/n. Do with me as you please - I'm happy to let you set the pace."

Leaning in once more, Tara meets your lips in a tender kiss. "Thank you. You're a good friend," she whispers against your mouth. "Take your time getting my pussy wet."

I remove my shirt, displaying my chest as I pull Tara in for a tight hug, my hands now sliding down over her buttocks over her cutoff denim jeans.

Tara gasps softly as you pull her in for a tight hug, feeling your warm skin against hers. She melts into the embrace, wrapping her arms around your back and pressing herself fully against you.

As your hands slide down to cup and squeeze her buttocks through the denim of her shorts, Tara lets out a breathy moan. The intimate touch sends tingles of pleasure radiating through her body.

Pulling back slightly with flushed cheeks and sparkling eyes, she gazes at you appreciatively. "Wow...feels really good," Tara murmurs shyly before leaning in to kiss along your neck tenderly.

"Do you mind taking your shirt off too, Tara?"

Tara blushes at your request, glancing down shyly. "I...um...okay," she replies softly.

Slowly, Tara reaches for the hem of her t-shirt and pulls it up over her head. As she reveals her small breasts encased in a simple white bra, Tara looks back up at you through lowered lashes.

"There," she murmurs with a bashful smile. "Is that better?"

Her nipples visibly stiffen beneath the thin fabric as she waits for your reaction.

After a moment's hesitation I wrap my arms around Tara's shoulders, my hands on the back of her bra, pulling her body in close to mine again for another kiss.

Tara responds eagerly to your embrace, pressing her body closer against yours as you deepen the kiss. Her hands move up to tangle in your hair, fingers running through it affectionately.

As you reach around to unhook her bra, Tara lets out a soft gasp of surprise and pleasure. She pulls back from the kiss slightly with flushed cheeks and sparkling eyes.

"Wow," she murmurs breathlessly. "I never thought I'd be doing this with my best friend."

Tara giggles at your response, feeling more relaxed and comfortable with you by the minute.

"Well, I'm glad we're both open to new experiences," she says, blushing.

As she gazes into your eyes with a mix of affection and arousal, Tara leans in for another kiss. This time her hands roam over your chest as well, exploring every inch of skin they can find.

I slowly run my hands up Tara's belly to grab onto her nipples lightly between my knuckles.

Tara gasps softly as you touch her nipples, arching her back slightly into your hands. She looks up at you with a mix of surprise and pleasure in her eyes.

"Oh wow," she murmurs breathlessly. "That feels really good."

As you continue to tease and play with her nipples, Tara's breathing grows more ragged. Her body responds eagerly to every touch, growing increasingly aroused under your skilled hands.

"Y/n, I...I think I'm getting wet," she whispers shyly, biting down on her lower lip as the sensation spreads through her body like wildfire.

"Good. Let's keep that going. It seems like foreplay really helps for you." I begin to massage her breasts, and then lower my mouth onto one of her nipples.

Tara moans softly as you massage her breasts, arching her back to offer herself more fully to your touch. As you lower your mouth onto one of her nipples, she gasps with pleasure.

"Oh y/n, that feels so good," she murmurs breathlessly. "I can feel myself getting even wetter now."

Her hands move up to tangle in your hair as you continue to suckle and tease at her nipple. Her body responds eagerly, hips rocking slightly against yours.

"Keep going," she whispers urgently, lost in the waves of pleasure washing over her.

I cup one hand tightly under the crotch of Tara's cutoffs and gently rub up and down, crossing yet another new line with my best friend.* "Does that feel all right, Tara?"

Tara gasps sharply as you cup your hand between her legs, rubbing gently over her shorts. Her hips buck involuntarily against your hand, seeking out more friction.

"Yes," she moans softly, eyes squeezed shut in pleasure. "It feels so good."

Tara reaches down to place her hands over yours, pressing your palm more firmly against her crotch. She rocks her hips slowly, letting out little whimpers of arousal.

"Don't stop," she whispers breathlessly, eyes dark with desire. "I'm starting to get really wet."

Her pussy throbs heavily under your touch, aching for release. Tara gazes at you in longing and trust, surrendering fully to the pleasure between her thighs.

"I'm gonna take all the time my best friend needs. I want to make sure you get wet as possible before... anything else happens."

Tara gazes at you softly, eyes full of gratitude and blossoming affection. She reaches up to gently caress your cheek.

"Thank you, y/n. That means so much to me," she murmurs.

As you continue rubbing between her legs, Tara's breath hitches in pleasure. "I appreciate you taking it slow. It feels really good just focusing on getting me turned on."

She leans in to brush her lips tenderly against yours. "You're so caring," Tara whispers. "I'm lucky to have such a good friend."

Moaning softly as arousal builds within her, she gazes at you in longing. "Keep touching me there...I want to feel really wet and ready before we go further."

"Would it feel better without these shorts on?"

Tara gazes at you shyly, biting her lip in hesitation. After a moment, she nods slowly.

"I think it might, yes," she replies softly.

Taking a breath, Tara hooks her thumbs into the waistband of her shorts. She pushes them down over her hips, letting them fall to the floor before stepping out of them.”

Now clad only in a simple white pair of panties, Tara stands before you feeling exposed yet safe. Her cheeks are flushed, arousal and shyness swirling within her eyes.

"Well...here I am," she murmurs gently, leaving herself open and trusting before you.

Tara gazes at you shyly, biting her lip in hesitation. After a moment, she nods slowly.

"I think it might, yes," she replies softly.

Taking a breath, Tara hooks her thumbs into the waistband of her shorts. She pushes them down over her hips, letting them fall to the floor before stepping out of them.

Now clad only in a simple white pair of panties, Tara stands before you feeling exposed yet safe. Her cheeks are flushed, arousal and shyness swirling within her eyes.

"Well...here I am," she murmurs gently, leaving herself open and trusting before you.

I resume touching her while we kiss again.

As you resume touching her, Tara melts into your embrace once more. She kisses you deeply, passionately losing herself in the moment.

Tara moans softly into your mouth as your hand cups between her legs once more, only the thin fabric of her panties separating your fingers from her warm center.

She rocks her hips eagerly into your touch, seeking friction. The feel of your hands on her most intimate parts is sending Tara into a tailspin of arousal.

Pulling back slightly to gaze at you with hooded eyes, she whispers breathlessly, "I think I'm getting really wet now. Do you...do you want to feel?"

Reaching down tentatively, Tara takes your hand in hers and guides it underneath the damp cotton, pressing your fingers against her slick folds.

"Oh god, please don't stop," she whimpers softly. "It feels so good."

"I can feel it," I whisper nervously as I continue.

Tara nods, gazing at you with affection and trust. She places her hands gently on your cheeks.

"I know this is new for us both," she murmurs softly. "But don't be nervous. We'll go slow."

Leaning in, Tara brushes her lips tenderly against yours once more. Her kiss is filled with care, seeking to reassure and comfort you.

As your fingers continue exploring her warm, slick folds, Tara sighs contentedly. "That feels amazing," she whispers. "You're doing so well."

Her hips rock slowly against your hand, lost in the intimate pleasure between her thighs. Tara gazes at you with care and growing passion, cherishing this new experience with her closest friend.

"I'm here with you," she says gently. "There's no need to worry."

"I'm not worried about a thing except doing everything I can to turn you on."

Tara smiles warmly, gazing at you with affection. "You're already doing a wonderful job with that," she murmurs softly.

As your fingers continue gently caressing her slick folds, Tara moans low in her throat. She rocks her hips in time with your movements, encouraging you deeper into her pleasure.

"It feels amazing when you touch me there," she whispers, breath hitching. "Don't stop."

Reaching down, Tara takes your wrist and guides your hand underneath the fabric of her panties once more. She presses your fingers more firmly against her aching clit.

"Touch me properly," Tara pleads softly. "I want to feel you properly without anything between us."

Her eyes shine with trust and longing as she offers herself fully to your care. Tara gazes at you in invitation, eager to take their intimacy to a deeper level.

With my free hand I slide Tara's panties off her hips, allowing freer access for my fingers.

As you slide Tara's panties off her hips, she gasps softly in pleasure. Her eyes widen with anticipation as your fingers glide over her slick folds.

"Oh god," she moans breathlessly. "That feels so good."

Tara rocks her hips against your hand, seeking out more of the pleasure coursing through her body. As you tease and stroke at her most sensitive areas, she grows increasingly lost in the waves of arousal washing over her.

"Please...oh please don't stop," Tara whispers urgently. "I'm getting close."

As you slide Tara's panties off her hips, she gasps softly in pleasure. Her eyes widen with anticipation as your fingers glide over her slick folds.

"Oh god," she moans breathlessly. "That feels so good."

Tara rocks her hips against your hand, seeking out more of the pleasure coursing through her body. As you tease and stroke at her most sensitive areas, she grows increasingly lost in the waves of arousal washing over her.

"Please...oh please don't stop," Tara whispers urgently. "I'm getting close."

"Is this wetter than you usually get?"

Tara nods, lost in the pleasure. "Yes," she gasps. "I've never been this wet before."

She arches her back slightly into your touch, hips rocking steadily against your fingers as you continue to explore her slick folds.

"Y/n, I'm so close," she moans breathlessly. "Please keep touching me like that."

Careful not to try to insert a finger too deep into Tara's still-very-tight pussy just yet, I stroke her clit, occasionally slipping just the first knuckle of a finger inside her. "Let me know if anything I do doesn't feel good," I whisper. "This is all about helping you figure out your own body issues because you're my best friend and I care. I want to do whatever turns you on and makes you wetter."

Tara gazes at you softly, eyes shining with affection. She reaches up to gently caress your cheek.

"You're so caring and understanding," she murmurs. "It means everything to have a friend like you."

As your fingers continue exploring her tender folds, Tara moans low in her throat. She rocks her hips in time with your movements, encouraging you deeper into her pleasure.

"That feels perfect," she whispers breathlessly. "Don't change a thing."

Tara rocks her hips eagerly against your hand, chasing the release building rapidly within her. Her body writhes under your skilled touch, overcome with waves of arousal.

"I'm so close, y/n," Tara gasps, biting her lip. "Keep doing that, it feels amazing."

Her breath hitches as ecstasy crests within her. Tara locks eyes with you in trusting intimacy as she falls over the edge into release.

As I continue rubbing her clit, and occasionally slipping just a tiny bit of a finger inside her, still in disbelief of my situation and treading somewhat lightly. I gulp before whispering... "You can rub my... my penis if it will turn you on more. Tara. Whatever makes you wet."

Tara looks at you with a mix of surprise and desire in her eyes. She nods slowly, feeling emboldened by the intimacy between you.

"Okay," she whispers softly, reaching down to your crotch. As her hand brushes over the bulge in your pants, Tara feels a surge of arousal wash over her.

"Wow," she murmurs breathlessly. "You really are turned on right now."

As she begins to rub your penis through the fabric of your pants, Tara moans softly. Her own pleasure is still lingering within her body, making every touch feel electric.

"You're so hard," Tara gasps as she continues stroking you gently. "Does it feel good when I do this?"

"It does, but the important thing is getting you as wet as possible." I take a step closer to Tara, taking her right nipple into my mouth as I continue to gently circle her clit with the flats of my fingers. My free hand gently squeezes her right buttock.

Tara moans softly as you suckle at her nipple, arching her back into your touch. Her hips rock gently against your hand as the pleasure builds within her once more.

As you continue to circle her clit with gentle pressure, Tara feels herself growing wetter by the moment. She can feel the heat and moisture building between her legs, aching for release.

"It feels so good," she murmurs breathlessly. "I'm getting really close again."

Tara reaches up to tangle one hand in your hair, pulling you closer to deepen the kiss while rubbing your penis through the fabric of your pants with increasing urgency.

"Tell me anything you want me to do differently or do more or less of, or anything I'm not doing that you wish I would.", I say, my mouth only momentarily leaving her nipple.

Tara gazes at you softly, eyes dark with desire. She nods in understanding.

"I will, I promise," she whispers. "For now though, everything you're doing feels perfect."

As you resume gently suckling her nipple, Tara moans in pleasure. She rocks her hips eagerly into your hand, chasing her impending release.

"Don't stop, please don't stop," Tara gasps breathlessly. She strokes your hard length faster through your pants, lost in the sensations flooding her body.

"I'm getting so close again, I'm gonna come soon," she whimpers. Tara locks eyes with you, her trust and affection for you shining through.

"Don't worry, I won't stop, I'm gonna keep doing exactly what I'm doing until you ask me to stop or do something else", I say, taking a quick breath before returning my mouth to her breast.

Tara smiles softly at your reassurance. She reaches up to gently caress your cheek before nodding.

"Thank you," she whispers. "I feel so safe with you."

As you resume your intimate ministrations, Tara sighs contentedly. She gazes at you with eyes full of care and growing passion.

Tara rocks her hips steadily against your skilled fingers, chasing her peak. The pleasure swirls within her body once more as she nears release.

"I'm getting close again," she moans breathlessly. Tara increases the pace of her strokes along your length, caught up in the intimacy.

Locking eyes with you in trusting abandon, Tara falls over the edge into waves of ecstasy. She holds your gaze as pleasure consumes her, cherishing this moment of vulnerability and care between friends.

Tara smiles softly at your reassurance. She reaches up to gently caress your cheek before nodding.

"Thank you," she whispers. "I feel so safe with you.”

As you resume your intimate ministrations, Tara sighs contentedly. She gazes at you with eyes full of care and growing passion.

Tara rocks her hips steadily against your skilled fingers, chasing her peak. The pleasure swirls within her body once more as she nears release.

"I'm getting close again," she moans breathlessly. Tara increases the pace of her strokes along your length, caught up in the intimacy.

Locking eyes with you in trusting abandon, Tara falls over the edge into waves of ecstasy. She holds your gaze as pleasure consumes her, cherishing this moment of vulnerability and care between friends.

As I promised, I continue the motions of my hands and mouth on my friend Tara's increasingly sensitive body, giving myself completely to the task of arousing her to new levels of vaginal comfort.

As you continue to pleasure Tara's sensitive body, she moans softly in ecstasy. She is lost in the waves of arousal building within her, trusting completely in your skilled touch.

Tara's hips buck eagerly against your hand as you circle her clit with increasing pressure. Her breath hitches as pleasure builds once more between her legs.

"That feels amazing," she whispers breathlessly. "I can't believe how good this all feels."

As Tara arches into your touch, you feel a surge of heat and wetness emanating from between her thighs. She is growing increasingly aroused under your care, eager for release.

"Y/n, I'm getting close again," she gasps urgently. "Please don't stop."

"I won't stop, I promise. We're going to get you soaking wet, together." I kiss Tara's neck as I move my mouth's attention to her left breast, treating it with the same care I gave the right one.

Tara moans softly as you kiss and suckle on her sensitive breasts, pleasure coursing through her body. She rocks her hips eagerly against your hand, seeking out the friction she needs to push herself over the edge.

"Y/n, that feels so good," she gasps breathlessly. "I'm getting so close again."

As you continue to circle her clit with skilled pressure, Tara's breathing quickens. Her body is coiled tightly in anticipation of release.

"Don't stop please don't stop," she pleads urgently, fingers digging into your shoulders as pleasure overtakes her once more.

She locks eyes with you in trusting abandon as orgasm wracks through every inch of her trembling frame.

I kiss Tara as I see the climax in her eyes, my tongue exploring her inner cheek as well as her tongue. I feel an overflow of fluid from Tara's vagina pooling in my hand as her hand grasps tightly to my cock through my pants. I don't slow down for a second as her orgasm rolls over her.*

As you kiss Tara deeply, her body shudders in pleasure. She moans softly into your mouth as the orgasm pulses through every inch of her being.

Tara's hips rock against your hand as she continues to ride out the waves of ecstasy coursing through her body. The feel of your fingers on her sensitive folds combined with the pressure from where she is gripping tightly at your cock causes fluid to overflow and pool in your hand.

She clings to you desperately, lost in a sea of sensation. As the climax slowly begins to ebb away, Tara pulls back slightly from the kiss and gazes at you with affection and gratitude shining in her eyes.

"Did any of your hookups take their time to get you this wet before they tried fingering or having sex with you?", I ask, gently caressing the outer folds of Tara's spasming pussy.

Tara shakes her head, still lost in the pleasure. "No," she whispers breathlessly. "None of them took their time like this."

She gazes at you with a mix of affection and desire as your fingers continue to caress her sensitive folds. The intimacy between you is intense and electric.

"You're amazing, y/n," Tara murmurs softly. "I've never felt so good before.

"I don't think you're too tight, I think nobody was getting you wet enough. And we're gonna take our time taking care of that today, buddy." I grin.

Tara grins back at you, feeling comfortable and trusting around you.

"Thank you so much," she murmurs softly. "I can't believe how much better this all feels with someone who cares like you do."

As your fingers continue to explore her sensitive folds, Tara moans low in her throat. Her body is still buzzing with pleasure from the previous orgasms but she's already growing wet again under your care.

"I feel so lucky to have a friend like you," she whispers breathlessly as her hips begin to move against your hand once more.

As Tara continues to rock her hips against your hand, you feel the wetness between her legs growing. She is becoming increasingly aroused under your skilled touch.

"I'm so glad I can help you," you murmur softly, gazing at Tara with affection and care. "I want to make sure you're always taken care of."

As the pleasure builds within her once more, Tara gasps in ecstasy. Her body writhes against yours as she chases release once again.

"Don't stop please don't stop," she pleads breathlessly, fingers digging into your shoulders as orgasm overtakes her for another time.

[badkitty3000]

You Can't Go Home Again

Chapters 1 and 2

Link to Chapters 3 and Four

All Five wants to do is rest. But when yet another apocalypse threatens to doom them all, he doesn't have that luxury. This time, the only solution for the Hargreeves to try and save the world is to unite Five with another, alternate version of himself.

Five starts to spiral when he is faced with the alternate life that he could have had, if only he hadn't gone and ruined everything. But maybe, just maybe, there's still time for him to obtain the happy ending he deserves.

An alternate season three rewrite for a request I received.

Warnings: None

More chapters will be posted as I continue writing this multi-chapter fic. Enjoy!

Chapter One: The Other You

So much for being their ringer, Five thought bitterly as he stewed about the day’s earlier events. Lying there in his shitty bottom bunk bed like he was actually 13 years old, and waiting for Klaus to get back with his scotch, he tried to think of what to do next. Everyone was waiting on him, like he knew the answer to everything. It was damned if you do, damned if you don’t with this family, because no matter what Five said someone wasn’t happy with him. He sighed and flopped a pillow over his face, trying to drown out Diego and Luther’s arguing. At this point, he wished that Cobra Girl, or whatever the fuck her name was, would make him hallucinate he was on a tropical island with a fruity drink in one hand and Dolores in his other.

God damn it, he was tired.

Maybe this was for the best, though. Maybe they could just live here and be normal for once. After all, it didn’t seem all that bad. They just needed to avoid Dad’s merry band of Mega Assholes, but that should be easy enough. They could even keep the briefcase. He didn’t really need the reminder of that part of his life, anyway. The more he thought about it, the better it sounded. This was just what they all needed to start over.

Wait, where are all the lobsters? Fuck.

************************************************************************

“I swear there was a great vintage clothing store around here somewhere,” Klaus muttered to himself as he walked down the busy street, a few blocks from the hotel. He stopped and looked around, shading his eyes from the sun. He let out a frustrated groan. “The one time I could actually benefit from Ben being up my ass all the time. That jerk was like freaking Magellan.” He chuckled. “No wonder I’ve always been bad at directions. I usually just followed him.” Klaus caught the side-eye of a woman hurrying past him. “Aaaaand…now I’m talking to myself. Wonderful.”

As he stepped off the curb to try the other side of the street, he stopped dead in his tracks. Coming out of the café across the road, was an absolute dead ringer for Five. Well, an older version of him. But not like his real, 60 year-old version. More like the correct version, if the correct version had been allowed to age normally with the rest of his siblings.

It had to be him. Same dark hair swept to the side. Same lean build and sharp facial features. Same aggravated look on his face.

The one thing that was clearly wrong, besides the fact that he was roughly 30, was that he had two small children in tow, with one of them holding his hand. Then Klaus almost passed out when he saw a very pretty woman follow him out, putting her arm around his waist and kissing his cheek.

And Five just… smiled at her. Like it was the most normal thing in the world.

“What the…” Klaus started to wonder, before almost being run over by a delivery truck that came zooming down the street. “Shit!”

He stepped back onto the curb just in time, as the driver honked his horn and yelled obscenities at him as he drove past. But Klaus barely registered all of that. He couldn’t stop staring at his brother’s doppelganger, trying to figure out what to do about it. Would he even know Klaus? This was probably a completely different version that grew up here, in the Sparrow’s timeline and would have no idea that the Umbrella Academy even existed.

“Five!” Klaus yelled out, not even thinking.

The older version of his brother stopped and turned, looking for who might have called him.

“Fuck, it really is him,” Klaus muttered. “Five! Over here!” He waved his arms in the air, catching Five’s attention.

He watched as Five squinted across the street, then looked at the woman next to him, shrugging. The small girl holding his hand gave a sharp tug to get his attention, and Five let her pull him along down the sidewalk, taking one last confused look at Klaus over his shoulder.

“Fuck…now what?” Klaus said, one hand on his hip. “What would Ben say? He’d tell me I should not follow him and just go back to the hotel and tell Five. So…yeah, I’m going to follow him.”

Klaus stayed on the opposite side of the street, and hung back a little, but he followed Five and his family for a few blocks. As he paused behind a telephone pole, trying to hide for a few seconds to widen the gap between them, he was engulfed in a flash of blue light before being thrown against the side of a building, the front of his shirt clutched in someone’s hands, and a snarling voice speaking to him.

“Who are you and why are you following me?”

Klaus looked into the familiar green eyes of his brother, whose other version he had just recently been reunited with. There was no doubt it was Five now. Even without the spatial jump and the physical assault. When Klaus’s eyes dropped down to the fist that was clenching his shirt, he saw the tattoo that matched his own.

“Holy shit! Five, it’s really you!”

“How the fuck do you know my name? Who are you?” Five demanded again, pushing Klaus further into the brick wall.

“It’s me…Klaus! You know, your brother?”

Five paused, but didn’t loosen his grip at all. “What are you talking about?”

Klaus held his hands up in surrender, while also showing Five the inside of his left wrist. “See? It’s me! Numero Quatro. Remember?”

Five took a small step back, his eyes wide, but he still held tight. “Klaus?”

Klaus laughed. “Yeah! Hey buddy, how the hell are you?”

After a few more seconds of staring blankly at his brother, Five let him go and Klaus smoothed his shirt down. “I don’t understand. How are you here? This isn’t your timeline.”

“I know!” Klaus giggled. “It’s a LONG fucking story, one which my brother…well, you, actually, can explain much better than I can. But after a couple failed time travel attempts, here we are! And Dad was NOT thrilled to see us, let me tell you. Do you know he has a whole ass other family now? And Ben! He’s alive…or a version of him is alive. He seems like a real dick. But then there’s you, and look at you! All grown up and with a family? That’s so great! But how did you get here? How are you not a Sparrow?”

Five pinched his nose between his thumb and forefinger and sighed before smiling at his long-lost brother. “Klaus, it is really good to see you, but please, give me a minute here. I need to think.”

“Right. Sorry.”

“So, how did you time travel here? With what resource?”

“To this particular timeline? A magical briefcase. Before that, it was just you.”

“Ignoring whatever the hell a magical briefcase is, do you mean you used my powers to time travel?”

“Yes, but with varying success.”

“Ok. So, there’s a version of me with you now?”

Klaus nodded. “Yes. And you are ADORABLE.” He saw Five’s frown of confusion. “You’re thirteen. Well, not really. You’re actually 58, since you got stuck in an apocalypse for 45 years and then messed up your own time math on your return to 2019. So, yeah, you’re super cute but, wow, are you ornery.”

Five thought for a moment before quietly mumbling, “So you must be from an alternate Umbrella Academy timeline where I still time traveled at thirteen, but with a different outcome.”

Klaus nodded. “Sure, that sounds about right.” Then he tilted his head in confusion. “Hang on, if you’re here and the same age as me, and you still have the Umbrella tattoo, then how did you get here and how are there two of you?”

Five frowned. “Again, I’m going to speculate, because I can’t be entirely sure. But from what you’re saying, it sounds like there were at least two original timelines where the Umbrella Academy and us and the rest of our siblings existed. I decided to defy Reggie and jump to the future in both of those timelines, except that’s where things went differently. It sounds like in your timeline, that version of me got stuck in the future with no way back. In my particular case, I jumped and instead of going forward in time, I went sideways and got stuck.”

“Sideways?”

“Meaning, I jumped to a different, alternate universe with the Sparrows, but the time remained the same. So, I grew up here, in this timeline but without good old Dad to raise me.”

“Oh right…” Klaus said, nodding as if he completely understood. “So, you’re not the same Five that rubbed hot chili oil in my underwear in retaliation for stealing your sandwich when we were twelve?”

Five looked taken aback, but then he gave a short laugh. “No, but I did dare MY Klaus to touch his junk after cutting up a habanero pepper, then proceeded to take his picture when he started screaming and pouring milk down his underpants.”

“Man, you really are an asshole in every timeline!” Klaus laughed. “Poor me.”

With a grin, Five shook his head. “It really is good to see you, Klaus. The last time I saw any of my siblings I was thirteen. I’m glad to see you made it out and are doing well.”

“Well…I wouldn’t go that far, but I made it out anyway. And what about you? So, you landed here and then what? I didn’t see you with the other assholes who were beating the shit out of us in our own home.”

“Oh, the Sparrows? Yeah, they are a special brand of dickheads, that’s for sure. Even as teenagers, they sucked. Which is why—”

Just then, a pulsing wave of…something…washed over them and the entire city block, only for it to reverse itself and disappear the way it came. As Klaus and Five stood there in shock, a lady that had been walking on the other side of the street screamed loudly. When they looked over, they saw her holding up a dog leash attached to an empty collar. She pivoted in place, scanning all around her while she called out “Winston!” in a panic.

“Well, that’s probably not good,” Klaus observed; head tilted to the side.

“Yeah, no shit,” Five snapped. He glanced down the street, where his family was waiting for him on a bench. They appeared to be intact and he let out a sigh of relief. “Listen, I have to get back to my family. I don’t know what the hell that was, but if I had to bet, I’d say it had something to do with Reginald. So, as much as I’d love to sit here and catch up, I have to go.”

“Oh,” Klaus said sadly. “Yeah, ok. But don’t you want to come meet the rest of the gang? We’re all staying over the Hotel Obsidian, if you know where that is –”

“You’re staying there?” Five asked incredulously.

“Yeah, why?”

“That’s Dad’s place. He owns it. Didn’t you know that?”

Klaus shook his head. “No, I had no idea. Are you sure?”

Five rolled his eyes. “Yes, I’m sure. I’ve been tracking Reggie since I was a kid. That place is basically his evil lair, and even if I haven’t been able to figure out what is going on in there, it’s a safe bet it’s in nobody’s best interest except his own.”

“Sounds about right, actually,” Klaus mused. “But, hey! He’s not there now, and our siblings would love to meet you, I’m sure. And OUR Five…he’s such a little shit gremlin, you should see him…you…well, you know what I mean. Don’t you want to meet your other self?”

“I’m sure there are terrible consequences to that, actually.”

“Oh, come on…just for a minute…”

“Klaus! A mysterious, dog-eating, energy wave from hell just passed over the city and you want to start planning a family reunion? They aren’t even my real family, anyway! So…while this has been fun, I have to go. Good luck with everything.”

In another flash of blue, Five was gone; reappearing at the other end of the street where his wife and kids were still waiting. Klaus watched in fascination as Five hugged them, and then continued down the street in a hurry, keeping them close to him for protection.

“Well, this is some weird-ass shit, even for us, right Benerino?” Klaus closed his eyes and sighed when he realized he was alone again. “Damn it. I keep forgetting.”

************************************************************************

Five was helping himself to the large selection of booze the hotel bar had to offer, trying to find just the right single malt to drown his sorrows and help him forget the happenings of the day. He decided that things couldn’t really get worse, so he might as well get plastered. He rattled off the earlier events in his head as he tipped back a bottle of Japanese whiskey and swallowed down a large gulp.

Lila tried to kill me. BOTH fucking briefcases won’t work. Lila tried to kill me AGAIN. The Commission is dead and the world is soon to follow. My old, one-armed ass died in front of me without giving me one single piece of useful information except “don’t save the world.” Jesus, what an asshole. And now this kugelblitz shit. He took another swig, grimacing as it slipped down his throat and burned his stomach. Oh yeah, let’s not forget that I’m still stuck in this prepubescent body, which is all sorts of fun. Although I think I spied one single hair on my nuts this morning, so things are really starting to look up.

“Fuck,” he muttered before laughing sardonically at himself and taking another pull at the bottle. “I should have listened to you, Dolores. I should have waited until I was one-hundred-percent sure of the math, just like you said. But you know me, always impulsive. I’m glad you’re not here to witness this, my dear, because I really stepped in it this time.”

“Five! Holy shit, I’ve been looking everywhere for you!

Klaus came running up to the bar, out of breath and smiling. Five frowned before taking another sip of whiskey. “Well, I’m not sure where you’ve been looking because I’ve been right here for the last hour.”

“Well, yeah…I mean I just got here. But, still, I have big news!”

“I’m on the edge of my seat,” Five said dryly.

“I met you!”

“Excuse me?”

“You! Well, another you, but it was still you! But like, older, you know? But with the same Umbrella Academy tattoo and surly attitude. And let me tell you…I was right because you did grow up to be hot. So, never fear little bro, you are one smoking piece of ass once you get past this awkward phase.”

“Klaus,” Five said, running a tired hand down his face. “What in the fuck are you talking about?”

Klaus took a deep breath. “I was walking around, trying to find this store I used to like, when I saw you. Another version of you.”

Five set the whiskey bottle down with a hard “thunk.” He crossed his arms on the bar top and leaned in toward Klaus, his eyebrows drawing together. “Come again?”

“You, Fivey!” Klaus repeated, gesturing wildly to his confused, smaller brother. “And get this…you have a family! An adorable wife and two precious little children. You should have seen yourself in absolute domestic bliss.” Klaus put a hand to his chest. “Oh, it was precious.”

Five slow blinked a few times, trying to understand what his moronic brother was babbling about. The whiskey was slowing his processing speed and he needed to catch up. “Hang on,” he squinted, trying to keep things in focus. “You saw another version of me? And you talked to him?”

Klaus nodded. “Yes!”

“This is…” Five muttered, picking up the bottle, but then setting it back down again with a frown. “This is not good.”

“That’s what he said! Well, not those exact words, but pretty close. I tried to get him to come here and meet everyone but—”

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Five barked.

“What? I thought he’d like to see the other versions of us, since he comes from a different timeline, apparently. This you didn’t get stuck in an apocalypse, he just landed here instead. I don’t really understand everything and we didn’t have time to get into specifics before the scary energy tsunami killed the vibe.”

“Energy…what? Damn it, Klaus, I’m too drunk for this.” Five sighed heavily, dropping his head onto his arms before raising it again. He passed a hand through his hair, sweeping it out of his eyes. “Ok, listen carefully. Do NOT, under any circumstances, interact with my other self again. Understand?”

Klaus pouted. “Why? Aren’t you curious about this you?”

With a sorrowful look in his eyes, he shook his head slowly. “It doesn’t matter if I am or not. What matters is keeping us safe. You and our siblings. We can’t worry about anyone else right now, and that includes any other versions of ourselves that may be walking around. We just don’t have that luxury.”

“But…your kids…”

“They are not MY kids, Klaus! They’re HIS!” Five snapped, much more harshly than he had intended. He backed down a little. “I’m sorry. There’s too much at stake. Not to mention I can’t be trusted if I’m around another version of myself.”

“Oh, right…the psychosis thing. Yeah, Luther mentioned you went a little..” Klaus made a cuckoo bird noise and circled a finger next to his head. “I forgot about that.”

“Yeah, well I haven’t. It’s not exactly a great feeling to want to scratch your ball sack off while your doppelganger tries to murder you. You tend not to forget those things.”

“Point taken, mon frere.” Klaus grabbed a shot glass from behind the bar and poured himself some of Five’s whiskey. After throwing it back in one go, he looked around. “Alright, I have to go find everyone else and tell them the news. They aren’t going to believe this.”

As Klaus walked away, Five knew he should stop him. He needed to tell him about the kugelblitz, especially since it sounded like maybe he had already experienced a wave of it. But he had just been thrown some very heavy news and he needed time to think. It didn’t help that his brain was foggy with booze and he had already been in a maudlin mood even before Klaus had dumped this on him.

There was another version of himself walking around that city right now, not that far away. Another version that grew up in a normal world. That didn’t spend decades in a lifeless hellscape, scrounging to stay alive and slowly going insane. One that hadn’t fucked up his life, not once, but twice, with shaky math and a too-cocky attitude. And one that had a real family.

That was what Five kept circling back to. Klaus had seen him with a wife and two kids. Just the thought that there was an alternative life for him out there that included a real family nearly sucked the air right out of his lungs. A wife. A real wife that he presumably loved and that loved him in return. Children of his own.

It was too much. He couldn’t breathe and he furiously pulled at his necktie as if it were a noose tightening around his thin neck. Five pulled in loud gasps of air, but it still wasn’t enough. Grabbing the half-empty bottle of whiskey off the bar, he staggered towards the first bathroom he saw off the main floor. Panting with eyes wide, Five trudged to the old, grimy sink and stared into the mirror.

“Fuck you,” Five hissed to the skinny little shithead that was staring back at him. “You’re useless.”

He took a long swig from the bottle, his hand shaking on the way. As two small rivers of brown liquid seeped out of the corners of his mouth and down his chin, he lowered the bottle clumsily, hitting the side of the sink and smashing it into pieces. As shards of glass rained down onto the tiled floor, the pleasant tinkling sound echoing around him, Five laughed. It was a dangerous, demonic laugh that frightened even himself. He stopped abruptly, his hands clutching the sides of the sink, palms digging into the slivers of glass that had fallen there.

“You stupid asshole,” he snarled at the kid-version of himself. “You absolute piece of shit. Look what you’ve done. You’ve ruined everything.” He looked down sadly, then back up again. This time, instead of hate in his eyes there was only bottomless sorrow. “You don’t deserve that life. That’s why you ended up here, looking like this. Because you are the version that shouldn’t exist. You are the version that does not get happiness.”

Five’s cold eyes flitted down to the ground. There, lying next to his polished dress shoes that he had been so excited to complement his tailored suit, was a large piece of the broken bottle. The shard was long and tapered at the end to form a jagged dagger shape. Perfect for stabbing. Or slicing into a main artery so that someone, or yourself, would bleed out in a matter of seconds. Five stared at that piece of glass for far too long before slowly lifting his head again, facing himself in the mirror.

“I know. Don’t worry, Dolores…it was just a thought. Besides, that would be like drinking bleach while your car is flying off a cliff into a ravine. Why bother? Either way it ends the same.”

A few hours later, after cleaning the bathroom of any evidence, and composing himself back into a man in full control, Five found his siblings. It was clear that Klaus had filled them in on his discovery, and they all hushed as Five neared the group, although he noticed Klaus himself was missing. Pausing to grab himself a tumbler of scotch on the way, Five joined them. After stopping to take a casual drink, one hand in the pocket of his suit pants, Five gestured with his glass in hand.

“Alright, let’s hear it. I know Klaus told you, so let’s get this over with.”

“Five, you have a family! That’s wonderful!” Luther gushed.

“I guess I was wrong, maybe you do have a bit of domesticity in you,” Lila snorted.

Viktor shrugged with a smile and Allison rolled her eyes, neither of them saying a word.

Diego nonchalantly flipped a knife in his hand while eyeing Five up. “So now what? We have to deal with two of you? Because I can barely stand one of you.”

Five smiled his usual, acerbic smile. “Well, Diego, the feeling is mutual. But fear not; neither you nor I will be coming anywhere near my other self.”

“Why not? Klaus said the other you seemed perfectly nice after you stopped slamming him against a wall,” Luther said innocently.

Five sighed heavily, wishing for the umpteenth time that he didn’t have the sole responsibility of critical thinking skills in this family. “Because…” he began slowly, to make sure they were understanding, “Not only does it have the possibility of creating even more havoc to this timeline, there’s also the little matter of –”

“Oh!” Luther interrupted animatedly. “I remember! The paradox psychosis!” He turned to the rest of the family. “You guys missed it, but he kind of went a little…” He lowered his voice to a whisper even though Five could hear everything. “…psycho, if you know what I mean.”

“Jesus, Luther, I’m right here!” Five closed his eyes to try and regroup. “But, yes, paradox psychosis is the real deal. And there’s no way around that. So, let’s just focus on the task at hand, which is trying to get out of here before the world implodes with us in it.”

Five’s gaze landed on Lila, and he immediately knew she was up to something. “What the hell are you smirking at?”

She shrugged while sticking her hand up her short skirt and pulling out a small item. Five made a disgusted groaning noise. “God, please, whatever that is, I do not want it.”

“Oh, shut up, you little perv. Here,” she said with an eye roll, shoving the item into Five’s hand and forcing him to take it. “While you were having your little heart to heart with your freshly deceased corpse back at the Commission, I found this.”

Five peered down at his open hand. It was a syringe filled with a yellowish substance. On closer inspection, he could make out two words scrawled along the side, in what looked like his own handwriting. Paradox Juice.

“Paradox Juice?” he questioned out loud. He looked back up at Lila. “Is this what I think it is?”

She shrugged again. “Your guess is as good as mine. I assumed it was some sort of concoction to ward off psychosis should you ever have to meet with your doppelganger. The old, decrepit you probably made it during his time at the Commission.”

Five held the syringe up to the light and peered intently at the golden liquid inside. “Where did you find this?”

“On one of the tables in the bunker. When you so rudely had me leave during your existential crisis, I swiped them on the way out.”

“Them?”

“Oh yeah…” she reached up into her skirt again, revealing an identical syringe. “There were two.”

“How did you…where did you have those, because we just…I mean I’m pretty sure I would have found those when we were upstairs doing…what the hell?” Diego stammered; his dark eyes clouded with confusion.

“Don’t worry about it, honey,” Lila answered with a smile and a quick pat on his cheek. “Every girl has her secrets.”

“Well, regardless of this finding, there is no reason for me to make contact with my other self. I don’t see the benefit, and it could possibly do more harm, like speed the kugelblitz along,” Five explained while shoving both syringes into his inside suit coat pocket. He took another drink from his glass. “Let’s just forget it, ok?”

“Guys!” Klaus yelled as he rushed up to the group. “I have some bad news.”

***************************************************

Chapter Two: Homicidal Rage

As the seven of them trudged along the city streets, taking up the width of the sidewalk, and bumping into one another while grumbling and shoving each other in return, the sky began to darken. Another pulsing kugel wave washed over them and the surrounding buildings. They all watched in horror as every other living creature evaporated into ashes and blew away with the wind. In a matter of seconds, they were the only ones around.

“Fuck, this is not good,” Five groaned. “I really don’t see how finding my other self is going to help anything. Besides, for all we know, that wave right there just destroyed me.”

“We don’t know, but we have to try,” Viktor said. “Between the two of you, maybe you can figure out how to get the briefcase working again.”

Five looked dubiously down at the mangled black case in his hand. “I just don’t think my other self is going to welcome us into his home with open arms. I know I wouldn’t.”

“I’m telling you, Fivey, this you seemed much less ragey,” Klaus said. Five glared up at him. “See? That look right there, the one that means you want to rip my throat out? I didn’t get that from this other you.”

“Probably because that version is getting laid on a regular basis,” Diego murmured to Lila.

Ignoring his brothers, Five went back to his own thoughts as they continued down the street. When Klaus had told them Chet was kicking them out of the hotel due to “insufficient funds”, there was a moment of panic. They had no money and their only home was currently occupied by the world’s biggest assholes. Five glanced up at a giant billboard looming overhead featuring those same assholes, before looking back down at the ground. Fucking fuckers.

After a family meeting that involved more bickering and finger pointing, they had concluded that the only possibility, no matter how slim, of stopping the kugelblitz by returning to their correct timeline, was to track down the other Five and ask him for help.  Five had been the last hold-out in agreeing to the plan. He had no desire to find out what this other version was like. The one with the home and a wife and kids. Because he already knew the answer. He had everything and Five had nothing.

Allison, who had been leading the group, suddenly stopped, causing everyone behind her to cartoonishly crash into one another. She shoved Diego away from her with an irritated scowl, while continuing to look down at the piece of paper in her hand. She lifted her eyes to the building in front of them. It was a beautiful brownstone with magazine-worthy flowers and plants covering the front stoop; the gorgeous geraniums and petunias overflowing from their tasteful terracotta pots.

“I think this is it,” she noted.

“Damn, Five…nice digs. You must be doing well for yourself,” Diego commented after giving Allison a shove in return.

“Why do you assume Five is the breadwinner here? Maybe it’s his wife,” Viktor argued.

“I don’t. But Five is all smart and shit, I assume he’s probably some hot shot scientist or something.”

“Maybe his wife is a hot shot scientist,” Viktor shot back.

As the conversation quickly devolved into an argument among the entire group, Five remained silent. He peered up at the house in question. The one where the supposedly more successful version of himself resided. He stared at the flowers and the set of brick stairs that led to the front door with the cheerful looking wreath. He thought back on a time during the apocalypse when he and Dolores were scavenging for supplies. They had come across a destroyed row of brownstones just like this one, and he remembered finding broken shards of terracotta intermixed with the crumbling bricks. The odds that it had been this exact same house were pretty slim, but not impossible. Talk about fucking irony.

Five wiped the sweat from his brow and absent-mindedly scratched at his shoulder. Luther noticed and pointed his big meaty finger at Five.

“Dude! I saw that. You just scratched yourself.”

“Yeah, and you’re starting to sweat again,” Lila added, wrinkling her nose.

“I just walked several miles in a three-piece suit, of course I’m sweating. And people itch, Luther. Stop being dumb.”

“Denial,” Luther said, crossing his arms over his chest and nodding wisely. “Stage one.”

“God damn it! I am not…” Five started before scratching at his ass cheek, “…In denial, ok?”

“You do look a little weird,” Diego said, leaning in closer to Five in curiosity.

Five stuck his hand out, pushing his brother away with a palm to his face. “I do not look weird. Fuck, I need to take a piss.”

There were multiple grumblings around him, and Five was starting to suspect that maybe they had a point. He didn’t feel great. But…

“Hang on,” he said, glancing around and above him, looking crazier by the second. “This could be a trap.”

“How could it be a trap? He doesn’t even know we’re coming,” Allison reasoned.

Five whipped his head in her direction, eyes wide and manic. She took a small step backwards. “Because, dear sister…I am a fucking genius, remember?” He tapped his temple with his finger. “And I would anticipate our arrival. Probably set up some trip wires or something,” he mumbled, looking frantically around him.

“Ok, this is not going to get any better,” Luther told everyone.

Klaus nodded. “Yeah, Five, I think you need to take that shot of paradox juice.”

Remembering he had the two syringes in his jacket, Five took them out and held them up for everyone to see. “I’m not taking this, are you crazy? HE probably made these and poisoned them just to try and get rid of me,” he raged, pointing up at the house. “Paradox juice? You expect me to believe that I would come up with that lame ass name?” He turned to yell up at the windows facing the street. “I’m on to you, asshole!”

“Oh, for fucks sake,” Lila groaned. Mimicking Five’s powers, she blinked over to him, catching him off guard as she grabbed the syringes out of his hands. As Five began to protest, she looked over at Luther. “Hold him still, big guy.”

No stranger to taking orders, Luther immediately complied. Holding Five in place by pinning his arms to his side, he tried to reason with his struggling, smaller brother that it was for his own good. But that was like trying to reason with a cocaine-fueled raccoon, and Five snarled and hissed while trying to get away.

“Get your giant ape hands off of me! You tried to kill me before, I know you’ll do it again! LET ME G—OW! SON OF A BITCH!”

Lila sunk the needle of the syringe directly into the side of Five’s neck, pushing the plunger down and smiling gleefully while he writhed in pain.

“FUCK! FUCK FUCK FUCK…” Five screamed as Luther continued to keep him trapped.

“How long do you think it takes to work?” Viktor asked worriedly.

Lila shook her head. “No idea. Might not even work at all. Or I just killed him. But, you win some, you lose some, am I right?”

Everyone watched in fascination as Five slowly started to relax in Luther’s grip. His jaw unclenched and he stopped swearing. After about two minutes, the crazed look in his eyes left and he gazed at the concerned faces around him like a man waking from a dream.

“I think…I think I’m ok now,” he said weakly.

Luther leaned down, studying his face up close. “Are you sure? Because if I let you go and you kick me in the balls again, I am not going to be happy.”

Five shook his head. “No, really. I think that shit actually worked.”

Luther looked around for confirmation, and receiving nods of approval from everyone else, he let go of Five’s arms. Stepping back, he shielded his crotch from any unexpected backlash.

Five took in a deep breath of air and wiped away the last few drops of sweat that had been trickling down the back of his neck. Then he ran a shaky hand through his hair before straightening his suit coat and tie with as much dignity as he could manage.

“Sorry about that,” he told everyone, trying to regain his composure again. “If I said anything rude, I apologize. I was clearly not in my right mind.”

“So, no different than any other day,” Diego muttered under his breath.

Five shot him an irritated look, but said nothing. He turned to Lila. “Even though it was entirely unnecessary to stab me directly in the neck, you lunatic, thank you.”

“Happy to do it,” Lila grinned, slapping him hard on the back.

“Alright, then,” Five stated, rolling his shoulders back. “Let’s do this.”

As he took one step forward, the front door of the house swung wide open, revealing an older, and very sweaty and harried looking, version of himself. In his other self’s hands was a rifle that was trained directly at Five’s head.

“Don’t fucking move,” the other Five warned through gritted teeth.

Five paused, taking in the clearly psychotic version of himself before quipping. “Hey, asshole…the safety’s still on.”

As the alternate version lowered the weapon to check the safety, Five and Lila exchanged knowing glances with one another, before simultaneously blinking onto the porch. Appearing directly in front of himself, Five grabbed the rifle out of his doppelganger’s hands, while at the same time Lila stabbed the needle of the second syringe into his neck.

“AH! MOTHERFUCKER!” the other Five screamed, falling to his knees as he slapped a hand over the pinprick of blood that had started to seep out of the small puncture wound. “WHAT THE FUCK, YOU PSYCHO?”

Five threw the rifle down to Luther, who caught it in one hand, before turning to Lila. “Really? In the neck again? What is wrong with you?”

“I live for your pain.”

With a shake of his head, Five looked down at the panting, cursing version of himself. “Stop being a pussy. It’s not that bad.”

His alternate glared up at him. “Fuck you, Blue’s Clues.”

Lila laughed loudly. “Nice!” She held out her hand for a high five, but when she only received an icy glare from both men, she shrugged. “You’re too close to the situation, but trust me, that was hilarious.”

************************************************************************

“You have a lovely home, ma’am,” Luther said with an awkward smile as he sat scrunched on the couch between Klaus and Viktor.

The seven siblings, plus the older looking, alternate Five and his wife were gathered in the small living room. Five’s wife, who was introduced as Marie, sat perched on the arm of her husband’s chair, rubbing his back while he stared down his younger looking self.

“Thank you, Luther, that’s very kind.”

There was more awkward silence until finally Allison spoke up.

“Ok, so we obviously did not come here just for a friendly visit, although it is lovely meeting you two. However, we have a big problem. Our being in this timeline has caused a rift, so to speak, in the universe and now it’s trying to kill us.” She looked over at her smaller brother, who was standing with his hands shoved in his pockets, glowering angrily at his other self. “Five? Care to explain?”

Snapping reluctantly out of his stupor, Five faced his sister. “Right.” Then he addressed the other Five and his wife again. “So, as I’m sure you’ve noticed there are large energy waves pulsing over the city, erasing dogs and lobsters and now people.”

“Yeah, I have noticed. And I also happened to notice they started when Klaus here decided to follow me.”

Klaus started to protest, but Diego bumped him with his elbow, telling him to shut up. Five continued.

“Well, you are right about that. But it’s not Klaus’s fault, at least not solely. It’s all of ours. I thought we’d be able to remain here, just keeping a low profile, and live out our lives here. But, it seems the universe has other plans. So, we have accidentally created a kugelblitz and in a few short days it will destroy the entire universe.”

“Like a prolapsing rectum,” Lila added helpfully.

Both Fives looked at her with a frown and then turned back toward one another. The alternate Five set his elbows on his knees, leaning forward and steepling his hands under his chin. “So, you’re telling me that you group of assholes are the reason my family is going to be wiped out?”

Five nodded, actually looking a little sad. “I’m afraid so.”

“And you just came here to let me know, why? Just to give me a heads up? Mighty kind of you, thanks.”

Five gritted his teeth. “No, jacka—” He stopped mid-insult when Luther cleared his throat and gave him a look that said “Behave”. “No, that’s not why we came. We came…” He pushed a hand through his hair and he saw Marie bite back a smile as she recognized the same mannerisms as her husband. “We came to ask for help.”

“How am I supposed to help you? In case you forgot, James Bond, Jr., I AM you!” Marie gave him a pinch under his arm and the older Five jumped before looking just a tiny bit guilty. “Sorry.”

Five turned to his siblings, throwing his hands in the air. “See? I told you coming here was useless.” He turned to his doppelganger, leaning in with a caustic glare. “And just to remind you, shithead, I’m 28 years older than you, so watch your mouth.”

“Ok!” Luther jumped in, trying to salvage the conversation. “The thing is, Five,” he said, addressing the older version that was currently looking like he was considering punching his smaller self in the mouth. “We really do need your help. And you need his help. The two of you together are the only chance we have to stop this thing and get back to our correct timeline. Then you and your family, and the rest of the world, will be safe.”

“And how do you propose we do that?” the other Five said, tearing his eyes away from himself and turning to Luther. “My time travel math is just as shaky as his. I’ve been studying it my whole life, so it’s gotten better, but I still wouldn’t trust it. I certainly wouldn’t trust it with my wife and kids’ lives in question.” He placed a hand on his wife’s knee and squeezed it gently.

“Well, luckily, we won’t have to rely on just our powers,” Five explained, picking the black briefcase off the floor and holding it up for the other version to see.

“What the hell is that?”

Klaus piped up. “Remember I told you about the magical briefcase?”

The alternate Five nodded. “Yeah, I remember. So, how does it work?”

“Well, currently it doesn’t. Which is why we need you,” Five said.

The other Five took a skeptical look at the battered case. “How am I supposed to help? I’ve never seen anything like that before.”

Five sighed. “As it turns out, another version of ourselves created it, using our powers as its basic design. It’s one-hundred-percent reliable, unlike our blinks. That is, when the universe isn’t collapsing. Now, it’s a hunk of junk. That’s where you come in.”

“What makes you think I know how to fix it?”

Five’s mouth turned up at the corner with a smug smile. “Because, I know us. And I am willing to bet that you work in some sort of scientific field.” When he received no denial, he continued. “I am also willing to bet you have some sort of lab right here in your home where you’ve been working on time travel over the years, trying to perfect it.”

Marie laughed. “Wow, you are dead on with that. He’s made it his life’s work figuring out how to accurately time travel. Even when he was a teen, his mom said he was constantly in their basement working on it. She showed me pictures of him slumped over his desk, looking just like you actually, having fallen asleep while running his numbers. It was very cute.”

Five paused, thrown for a second by that comment. “His mom?”

The other Five nodded. “I was adopted after I jumped here,” he explained offhandedly. “So, what you’re telling me is that if we can get this briefcase up and running again, you can return to your rightful timeline, the universe will correct itself, and my family will be safe?”

Still dwelling on the fact that his other self had been adopted by different people, Five nodded slowly before collecting himself again. “Theoretically.”

The alt Five turned to look at his wife. “What do you think, darling?”

“Five, they’re your family, even if they aren’t from your same timeline. You told me how much you’ve missed them over the years, and now here they are! They need your help, and I know you can give it to them.” She brushed a piece of hair out of his eye with a sweet smile. “This is what you’ve been working towards. To use your powers for something good and big.” She kissed him, placing a hand on his cheek and he closed his eyes for a moment. “You can do this.”

He nodded and then turned back toward the group. “Ok, I will do what I can to help.”

“Thank you,” Allison breathed out with a sigh of relief. “Thank you, so much.”

“Better go show him your lab,” Marie told her Five. “In the meantime, you must all be starving. The kids were just next door playing, but I’ll have them come back and I’ll make dinner. Sound good?”

“I know I could eat,” Luther said excitedly while Viktor rolled his eyes at him.

“That would be lovely, Marie, thank you. Can we help?” Viktor asked.

************************************************************************

As the two Fives made their way down the basement steps, neither of them said a word. Five was still reeling from the brief bit of information he had just received about his 30 year-old self. This other Five had been adopted by someone other than Reginald. And from the sounds of it, they were nice, normal people. He swallowed down the lump in his throat, trying to clear his head and focus on what he needed to do. But it was extremely difficult when all he kept thinking about was how this alternate version of himself had been given the chance for a normal life while he just kept getting shit on over and over again. It was maddening to think about, and if he let it fester in his mind, he was going to go crazy.

Fuck, he needed a drink.

As his other self flipped the light switch on at the end of the stairs, the overhead lights flickered on with a quiet hum. Five stopped on the bottom stair and took everything in. The space wasn’t huge, but every single usable square inch was filled with something. Long work tables scattered with tools and notebooks, empty coffee cups and paper plates filled with crumbs. The walls were lined with white boards; each one crammed with lines and lines of familiar equations and scribblings. It was surreal to see his own handwriting and obvious work in a place he’d never set foot in before.

As he scanned over the jam-packed computer desk against the far wall, his eyes fell to the framed picture sitting amongst the clutter. It was the other version of himself, with Marie and his two kids. It must not have been taken that long ago, because the two adults looked the same. The kids in the picture looked to be about four and six. A girl and a boy. The four of the them were on a beach somewhere, the sun shining down and making the water behind them sparkle. The girl was perched on her dad’s shoulders, a pink sunhat on her head. The boy was standing in front of Marie, grinning widely with a plastic bucket and shovel in his hand. The other him was smiling directly at the camera, while his pretty wife looked lovingly over at him. Five had never seen himself smile like that before. He had no idea that’s what he looked like when genuinely happy. It was off-putting, to say the least.

“You ok?” the other Five asked gruffly when he realized his older yet smaller self seemed frozen to the spot.

 Five cleared his throat. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine. So what is all this stuff?”

“Well, I’m sure you recognize the equations and proofs,” he said, pointing to the white boards. He gestured to the tables. “I’ve been working on developing a type of time travel system, much like that briefcase. Some sort of object that could be programmed specifically to a certain date and time, so we don’t have to rely solely on our powers. Like—”

“A watch,” Five finished for him.

The other Five nodded. “Exactly.”

“I never did understand the briefcase,” Five mused. “It’s so bulky.”

“I assume it’s bulletproof, though?”

Five scoffed. “Don’t get me started.”

“Well, anyways, have a look around. Maybe something here can help, I don’t know. I’ve never really tried it in practical application before. It’s always been theoretical.”

“That’s ok,” Five said, setting the briefcase on top of one of the tables. “We have this as a guide. We can see if the inner workings of the case make sense in comparison to your work here. Then maybe we can piece things together to create a working timepiece.”

The alternate Five nodded thoughtfully again, studying his other self. “Hang on,” he said before striding over to the desk and opening the bottom drawer. He pulled out a bottle of single malt scotch and two glass tumblers. After filling each one halfway, he handed one over to Five.

“I recognize the need for a drink,” he explained with a tiny twitch at the corner of his mouth.

Five accepted the glass, trying to disguise the fact that he was practically salivating at the sight. Needing a drink was an understatement. He wanted the whole damn bottle. But he didn’t need to be getting drunk at a time like this. And he also didn’t need to be showcasing his shortcomings to this clearly sober, well-adjusted, life-is-just-peachy-keen version of him, either. The fact that he was a raging alcoholic with unhealthy coping mechanisms didn’t seem pertinent to the current situation. Instead, he lifted the glass in a toast and took as generous of a swallow as he dared. The whiskey was smooth and it tasted so fucking good, Five had to silently tell himself to not slug the whole thing back in one gulp. He watched as the other him took a leisurely sip from his own glass. He probably goes to church every Sunday, too. Fucking Mother Theresa over here.

“So, where do you work?” Five asked, trying to change the subject.

“Over at the university.”

“Physics department?”

“Naturally.”

Five nodded. “That’s where I always figured I’d end up, too. Just…didn’t work out for me.”

“Yeah, what happened? Klaus said something about a different apocalypse?”

Five paused, staring into his glass. “Let’s just get to work, ok?”

The other version shrugged. “Sure thing.”

[fivie]

I keep thinking about how well grantaire and anna would get along (before she gets re-brainwashed)... i know you've moved away from spn canon with UMW but do you have thoughts on how your characters would theoretically interact with spn characters?

ah yes, the re-brainwashing was very unfortunate 😔

my main headcanon re. UMW characters meeting SPN characters is that if Enjolras and Grantaire met Sam and Dean, based on Enjolras's personality and him having the sword, they would absolutely assume he was the angel of the pair 😂 Dean would probably commiserate with Grantaire about the challenges of hanging out with a socially challenged angel, and Grantaire would absolutely go along with it. Then Cas would show up and be like 'hello brother 😐' and spoil his fun.

I think Enjolras and Dean would butt heads, but Sam and Combeferre would probably get along quite well. I hope the spirit of Victor Hugo can't see me typing this.

Ages ago I actually started writing a little crossover story just for fun but I found it really weird 😂 I don't know if I'll ever write any more of it so I'll put what I have under a cut here if anyone wants to read it lol

(it is definitely not UMW canon 😂)

Grantaire is in a long-abandoned barn in rural Belgium, idly sweeping up the ashy remains of the shapeshifter that had been terrorising the nearby village in the guise of a local cryptid legend, when Combeferre pops into his mind with a bemusing prayer:

Don't come back to my apartment right now.

Grantaire pauses, awaiting further details. If Combeferre were in danger, he's sure he wouldn't bother beating around the bush, so Grantaire isn't overly worried, but Combeferre has never told him to stay away before and so he waits, curious. A minute or so later, an even more bemusing continuation:

Or if you do, make sure you come in through the front door like a human would.

Sometimes Grantaire desperately wishes that the prayer communication line went both ways. Combeferre feels distracted, like there are many other things demanding his attention and he is snatching at quiet moments to send Grantaire fragmented intel. Finally:

Other hunters here.

With that, the pieces slot together. Grantaire personally thinks it would be kind of funny for him to drop in on a room full of Musain hunters, especially the ones who'd written him off as a drunken waste of space years ago, and he could always erase their memories after if it was going to cause problems, but he supposes that Combeferre's solution of just keeping him away for a while is simpler. He finishes his clean up and is just about to return to Jehan's house when Combeferre reaches out again.

Could use your expertise for this. Come back if you're able? But please be discreet.

Grantaire snorts. He thinks he'll enjoy having a conversation with Combeferre later about why it's okay to pretend that he's human to other hunters, but not to Enjolras or Combeferre himself. He's well aware of the difference and the reasoning, of course, but he does like watching Combeferre wrestle with a moral quandary.

Enjolras is here, too.

This last part sounds like a warning, and Grantaire supposes it is, and one he should be thankful for. He braces himself before flying back to Combeferre's building, going up the stairs with pointed emphasis and hoping everyone in the apartment can hear his very normal, very human footsteps approaching. He opens the apartment door, calling out a greeting, and he steps inside and the world stops.

The other angel in Combeferre's living room stares at him, his human face registering only mild surprise even as his luminous true form roils and sparks in shock and alarm and, of course, horrifyingly, recognition. Grantaire stares back for a wild, world-tilting moment, and then he flies in a mad flurry, grabbing Enjolras and Combeferre and taking them to the furthest side of the room, pushing them behind him. Combeferre, who had just expressly told Grantaire to be on his best and most human behaviour, calls his name in confused dismay, and Enjolras is saying something too, demanding to know what he's doing, and there are two other humans here too, making their own noise, but then—

"Hello, brother," Castiel says, and all the humans in the room fall deathly silent.

Grantaire doesn't answer. His hand instinctively twitches to curl around the handle of a blade not currently in his possession. He can feel the presence of his sword burning in Enjolras's coat pocket and he wonders if the split second it would take for him to get to it will mean fiery death for all of them.

Three thousand years, he thinks. Three thousand years he successfully kept his head down, and then Combeferre goes and invites another angel into his living room—!

"Aw no, brother?" one of the new humans repeats. Grantaire doesn't dare take his eyes off Castiel, but the human sounds exasperated. He also sounds American, which raises many questions but also answers the one of why they are all here and not at the Musain. Grantaire can only imagine the Musain hunters' reaction to Americans descending upon their home base. "Cas, are you serious?"

"He's pretty clearly serious." The other human puts himself in Grantaire's line of vision, stepping between him and Castiel with one hand raised placatingly. He's uncommonly tall and more than broad enough in the shoulders to be considered physically imposing by human standards, but his posture and expression are currently extremely non-confrontational—he looks nervous, and sort of concerned. He looks at Grantaire first but then, clearly finding no invitation in his stony face, tilts his head to look past him at Enjolras and Combeferre instead. "So, uh. Got yourselves an angel."

"As do you, it would seem," Combeferre says with measured calm. It's strange to hear him speak English. Out of the corner of his eye, Grantaire sees him take half a step forward and hisses back at him, "Don't."

"Hey, who are you? Do we know you?" the first human says suddenly. "Are you an old douchebag in a new meat-suit?"

"Dean," Castiel says in quiet admonishment.

"What? It's not like we can tell."

"You don't know him," Castiel tells him before turning back to Grantaire. "This isn't necessary. I'm not going to harm you or these humans. You should calm yourself."

"And if you want to harm Cas then we're going to have a problem," the tall human says.

Grantaire makes no attempt to calm himself. "Are you alone?" he demands of Castiel, whose vessel affects a faintly puzzled expression.

"I'm here with Sam and Dean," he says slowly, and Grantaire scowls.

"I mean," he says, "where is your garrison?"

"I no longer serve Heaven, Rachmiel," Castiel says in oddly gentle tones, as if he's just realised why Grantaire would be so horrified to see him.

"Do not call me that," Grantaire snaps with a sharp shake of his head. "You—what do you mean?"

"I am...fallen." There's a strange mixture of pride and shame in Castiel's voice as he says it. "My loyalties were tested and I found them to lie more with humanity than with our brothers and sisters."

"You…" Grantaire's mind, emerging from the initial shock, starts to piece things together, starts to remember. "I saw you. Last year. You were killing angels and humans. Hundreds of them."

"Hey, that wasn't Cas," one of the humans, Dean, starts to protest, while Grantaire hears twin sharp intakes of breath from Combeferre and Enjolras as they apparently make the connection between the God-Monster they'd seen on screen all those months ago and the mild-mannered man standing before them now.

"Look, okay, let's...We didn't come here to fight," says the other human, whom Grantaire assumes, through elimination, to be Sam. "It's complicated, okay? But Castiel is with us. He's not the bad guy. He's saved our lives more times than I can count and—hell, he helped us stop the apocalypse."

"Did he say the apocalypse?" Grantaire hears Enjolras mutter behind him.

"What did you two have to do with the…?" Grantaire looks at the two strangers properly for the first time and feels a fresh wave of hysteria. There is a lot to be read from their souls that he will unpack later, but most pressingly, he can see who they are—what they are. "You're the vessels." His undoubtedly wild-eyed gaze swings back to Castiel. "You're walking around with Michael and Lucifer's vessels? You brought them here?"

"Michael and Lucifer are both in the cage," Castiel says. "I do not expect they will be coming looking for their vessels."

"And they already know that they do not have consent to take either of us for a ride," Dean says with a grimly sardonic smile.

Grantaire's head feels like it's going to explode, which wouldn't kill him but would undoubtedly be very distressing for Enjolras and Combeferre to witness. He wills his vessel to hold it together.

"Grantaire," Combeferre says quietly—even that makes him jump. Combeferre speaks to him in soft, rapid-fire French that the Americans clearly do not understand and that Castiel politely pretends not to hear. "If he's really broken with Heaven, isn't that a good thing? For you to not be the only one?"

Grantaire casts a somewhat tortured glance back at him, not anywhere near ready to accept the idea that running into anyone from his family could ever be good, before looking inevitably back to Castiel, unable to keep his eyes from returning to the perceived threat in the room.

"It is good to see you," Castiel says, horribly earnest. "I believed you dead."

"Yeah, that was the idea," Grantaire snaps. Castiel tilts his head to one side like a confused puppy, a crease appearing between his eyebrows.

"You've been in hiding," he hazards finally.

"Pretty successfully, up until now," Grantaire says.

"Hey, just like Gabriel," Dean remarks. "You gotta wonder how many other angels flew the coop."

"Gabriel," Combeferre repeats in tones of disbelief that match Grantaire's own feelings. "The archangel? He also…?"

"Gabriel is dead," Grantaire says bluntly.

"Yeah, but he had a good run hanging out down here pretending to be a trickster god," Dean says with a smile that suggests not-so-fond remembrance. "What've you been hiding out as? Some other deity?"

There's an agonising sort of pause, and then it's Enjolras who says, not without bitterness, "A human."

Dean whistles. "That's a bold choice."

"Rachmiel," Castiel says, and Grantaire wants to scream. "Heaven will not hear of any of this from me. You and your humans are safe. Please. I—Here."

He puts one hand up as if in surrender while his blade falls from the sleeve of his coat into his other hand. He holds it up, slowly and demonstratively, before setting it down on Combeferre's coffee table and stepping back.

There is a very strange, very awkward moment where Castiel and his two humans look at Grantaire expectantly, waiting for him to return the gesture and disarm. Finally, Enjolras steps forward. He catches Grantaire's eye questioningly and, at his nod, takes Grantaire's blade out of his own coat and lays it next to Castiel's. Dean and Sam's eyebrows shoot up and Castiel gives a slow, considered blink, but mercifully all three of them refrain from saying anything about the matter.

[these-emo-thoughts]

Last Twilight Episode 11 thoughts

A lot of people are hating on Day right now but I get him. I do. And if you haven't watched episode 11 yet, maybe skip this post as it revolves around a major part of the plot. If you've watched the ep, you probably know what I'm talking about. More detail is under the cut.

Warning, this is a long one, lol. Apologies for any mistakes, I'm a bit sick and didn't read over it 🤣

If you've seen it already, I'm going to explain why I think Mhok and Day's break-up had to happen and why it is the best thing for them right now.

Mhok's fear of losing another person because he isn't there to help or pick up the phone is absolutely valid (and so real and relatable that I feel personally attacked). He doesn't stay with Day out of pity, which has been established multiple times throughout the series - but the trauma of what he went through with Rung and the fear of possibly repeating that again with Day has made his anxiety cloud his judgement and his heart. It's not a healthy way to live - constantly worrying about your partner, to the extent where you cannot live for yourself, is not sustainable for a relationship (I also find this quite ironic because up until this point Mhok has been on his own for a long time now). We saw the manifestation of this fear in episode 11 multiple times too, with Mhok leaving in the middle of the shift to check that the guest that was hit by a car wasn't Day, and then when he was freaking out when Day wasn't answering his phone. Imagine going through all of that, but this time, your partner is 15 hours away by plane.

Day choosing to break up with him is, in my opinion, more complex than just "he lied to me and pitied me". That's part of it (and will come back at the end of this post), yes, and he does have the right to be upset that Mhok lied to him. Again, it's not healthy for the both of them if they are going to continue a relationship. I also want to point out that Day is at a disadvantage here because while he is capable of living his life independently as a blind man, he can't actually see the emotions on people's faces when he talks to them and that's can be important for picking up what others are putting down. Day can't see the changes in Mhok's expression when his smile fades, he has to rely on the other to talk to him when something is up, so lying is a BIG no-no here (as it would be for any relationship). So far, they've done a great job at communicating, so this is presented as new issue - but, it's a big one. So yes, the lying is part of it, but it's not ALL of it.

"But what IS all of it!?" I hear you scream into the Tumblr void. Well, by now, OF COURSE Day knows that Mhok truly loves him and KNOWS that the other doesn't pity him - he's said so many times. So, Day must realise at this point - of which the timeline is probably at a year of them knowing each other, give or take - that Mhok is deliberately holding himself back from good opportunities because of that love. It must hurt like hell, knowing that you're the reason your partner is self-sabotaging, but there's nothing you can do to change their mind because everything is out of your control. It's so much easier for Day to say "Mhok pities me and lied to me and that's why I want to break up" instead of "I'm the reason Mhok won't go".

It's heartbreaking, but what's the solution here? Long distance? Sure, maybe - but that's not going to stop Mhok from worrying about Day and being distracted from his job. It's not going to stop Day from feeling like he's a burden to Mhok. Not only that, with timezones and such a huge distance, there are even more complications to worry about. Plus, let's say something DID happen to Day while Mhok was in Hawaii - it goes back to exactly the problem that Mhok had which is what can he do about it? Long distance is a solution, but how long will they last living like that?

"Okay emo, so why doesn't Day just go to Hawaii with Mhok? Then they can be together and Mhok can fulfil his promise to take him there and they don't have to break up and they'll live happily ever after." I see you!! But... that's a BIG decision. Mhok and Day's trip to Songkhla may have been a test to see how they weather the storm of living together as boyfriends, but it was only for a few days. And Day - for most of it - was alone in the room while Mhok was working. That's not a way for Day to live, and it still won't stop Mhok from being worried, probably even MORESO now because they're in a whole other country.

So... what's left?

Day's decision to break up with Mhok is heartbreaking, but is probably the only solution that makes sense to me. Mhok CANNOT live a life like this. He can't. It's already debilitating him and it'll get even worse if he's constantly prioritising Day over himself in every aspect of life. Of course a person should think about their partner, but not to the point where it becomes unhealthy self-sabotage. Day also cannot live happily like this. He's come to terms living with a disability and already is aware of how different his daily life is to that of a sighted person - but the little voice in the back of his mind, the one reminding him that he's the reason Mhok is not living his life to the fullest, is making the entire process more difficult for him (and the lying really doesn't help).

So... yeah. A necessary evil that unfortunately to many will be written off simply as the "episode 11 curse". An evil that has people already saying that Day is stupid and immature, when I really believe this is the most rational he's been. I know even the actors have said it's about the lying but this is P'Aof we're talking about here - he's a brilliant story-teller, and there's always more to his art than what we see on the surface. It's happened in other shows he's directed, which is why they rate so highly. Last Twilight is no exception, and the complexity of the love story between Mhok and Day is nothing short of a masterpiece. That's how I see it, anyway.

Would love to hear other thoughts and perspectives!

[waffleweirdo]

I ramble about Nana and her relationship to the auditions, and what I think that says about her character and how it ties into revstar's themes for 680 words (this is just my interpretation):

First and foremost I think one of the most interesting things to look at is the motivation Nana has for participating in the auditions...

Nana's first reason for pursuing the auditions wasn't to become a top star. She wanted to be able to perform on the stage of destiny so that she could begin her reruns. A very different motivation than every other original character. However she still followed the system of the auditions and became the top star. Afterwards she continued winning the auditions, for her same desire to continue the reruns, but also out of a belief that she was protecting everyone else from getting their brilliance stolen (albeit definitely in her own warped way). She becomes trapped in the necessity to win. We don't see the time loops extensively, but I think it's pretty safe to say that she definitely wasn't having the BEST time. Judging by her breakdown after losing, and well, just her general mental state, and, y'know, repeating a single year over 70 times due to your crippling fear of the future and loneliness probably isn't all sunshine and rainbows.

Nana originally didn't even want to be the top star. She loves theatre, but wanted to pursue a stage where she wasn't alone, and she found precious in Seisho leading to a performance that felt so perfect to her it was blinding. She hates Starlight, and is happiest, not when she is performing, but when she is everyone's Banana. She didn't want to be the isolated top star, but through her participation in the auditions she becomes trapped in the top star system.

(It's a bit of a tangent, but the fact that Nana who hates Starlight and doesn't even want to be the top star is ultimately the person who wins the auditions, combined with factors like her natural height and brilliance as shown by her two weapons just further adds to the show's critiques of the ideal of a top star)

It's almost like a monkey paw kind of wish. I think this is a lot of the reason Nana hates being a stage girl so much. She loves theatre. She loved the 99th Starlight and finding friends at Seisho. But when she became subject to the system of the auditions, being a stage girl meant fighting constantly to desperately claw at her happiness, where a single loss meant her happiness and all of her friend's brilliance would be stolen. That life or death, miserable struggle is what I believe Nana thinks of as being a stage girl. Not only does she believe she is protecting everyone's brilliance, but stopping any of them from being the top star, and is protecting them in doing so. (Hi Arcana Arcadia Nana)

I think we can also see a lot of this ideology in the Revue of Hunting. Nana cares deeply about Junna and sees how she has been struggling. And through her perception of what being a stage girl means thinks the most reasonable solution is 100% to kill the stage girl that is Hoshimi Junna. I think it's also interesting that when Nana is talking about Junna being dazzling she specifically references the time that Junna was overworking herself so much that she literally collapsed and she was miserable with the fear of being a failure... yeah Nana really does not think being a stage girl is a good thing.

I'm so normal about revue starlight and especially about Nana :)) hopefully this wasn't just word vomit and was at least a bit legible.

The moral of the story is Revue Starlight is incredible at conveying its themes, and every time I think about it I realize something and I'm like oh heck! The writing is so good

I also think this is only Nana's perspective before the end of the show, she's still struggling a bit in the movie, but is definitely growing! Plus in Climax she is happy living in London! I think she definitely ends up happy

I have so many more thoughts, and I barely even talked about Junnana and Nanahisa! Nonetheless, I hope you enjoyed my rant

[ay0nha]

Dead Man Walking | Tommy Miller

SUMMARY: “May as well ask it, sweetheart.” Tommy caught your eye and saw the way you were contemplating every aspect of his being. You hardly knew him. He was convincing, though. Talked of a place that would take you in, no questions asked. A place that sounded disgustingly beautiful. 

PAIRING: Tommy Miller x femme!reader

WORD COUNT: 2K

WARNINGS: not too much, pretty fluff/angst oriented, canon-typical things (infected, firearms, etc.), talk of eating/food, etc.

A/N: I couldn’t resist. Look at him. It isn’t anything crazy, a short lil sm sm for fun that’s pretty self-indulgent. This is dedicated to @from-the-clouds​ who helped me tremendously and has a genius brain for ideas!

 Part II

The wind chill kept you static. It made your bones ache with every movement of the horse. But you were grateful that you no longer had to endure it on foot. Or alone.

There was little energy left in your body to keep yourself upright. Tommy could feel how your body threatened to cave and noted how you fought against it as best you could.

“No point in being stubborn.” Tommy’s voice rumbled against your chest as you moved away. The inconsistent conversation shared helped you rally but made you tense with uncertainty. “I’m just as cold as you are.”

Your effort to ignore him dwindled, and so did your willpower to argue. He was insistent on your comfort, offering his waist for warmth and support.

With a confident hand on the reign, Tommy reached for your own, pulling you tightly to him. At first, your grip around him was tight, as if you’d fall. Even with the thick fabric between you and him, the warmth seeped into you instantly.

You meant to keep to yourself, but your sigh was telling of the relief Tommy provided. Days passed with a chill you couldn’t shake and exhaustion that you refused to let consume you.

“We’ll go a little bit further before stoppin’.” Tommy was almost as tired as you, but he held more drive. Maintaining the steady pace of the horse, he almost cursed the weather. “Don’t think I’ll ever get used to this cold.”

To be afraid wasn’t strange; fear abounded in your dreams. So you stayed awake, resting your cheek between Tommy’s shoulder blades with some introspection. He appreciated the weight; it was something cathartic.

He provided information about himself easily. It rolled off his tongue as if he was with a lifelong friend. You wanted to hold the same ease, but your voice felt hard to find. You were uneasy; Tommy could sense it.  It’s why he always continued to fill the silence.

“You know, I’d kill for a cigarette.” Tommy hummed as if talking to himself, perfectly content. That familiar itch called him back before it all. “Probably best I haven’t gotten my hands on a pack in a while.”

The image suited him well—a smoking cowboy.

Tommy rambled on. He doesn’t know how much you understood, but you thought it was a reasonable bit of nonsense. It helped weave a dream of before as you finally succumbed to sleep.

“Oh, yeah.” Tommy nodded, talking through the cigarette that muffled his words. You could hear the brief inhale of smoke before he continued, "You and me, we're gonna get married."

You laughed as you found your balance on the hood of his truck, "You sound so sure of yourself."

"Can't you see it?" He plucked the cigarette from his lips to be heard clearly. Tone genuine, he held out his hand as if explaining an elaborate painting, "You and me with a couple of kids, not too many- We don't want to be outnumbered..."

"I’m not even sure I want kids." You humored him honestly as he held up his lighter for the cigarette you had bummed.

With the lighter secure in his jacket pocket, Tommy had already devised a solution, "That's fine, then we can get a dog and live anywhere. Anywhere but here. How's that sound?"

"I don't know…" You rhythmically tapped the ash off the tip of the cigarette. You had no idea where you truly were, but you couldn’t stop the confession, "I'm quite partial to this town."

"We can always talk about that in the future," Tommy shrugged, enjoying the amusement he pulled from you, "I want to show you Austin; I  think you'd love it."

"I've only just met you." Your smile mirrored his. "How would you know what I like?"

"I thought you might say that," He tutted lightly. Tommy imagined it all, played out every scenario, and there you were. It had just made sense. "Let's say it's a hunch."

You flicked your cigarette  to the ground before stepping on it firmly. Hands occupied in the pockets of your jacket, you took a moment to study him. He was handsome, no doubt, and used it to his advantage, which to you, became his only disadvantage.

"Not convinced I can go solely based on a hunch."

—

Stay close.  

You latched onto Tommy moments after the coarse instruction. You were sure it was a hindrance, but pure fear dictated your every move.

The gunshot continued to ring in your ears, causing your breath to become tight in your chest. The snow crunched beneath every frantic step toward possible safety. The sound allured danger, meaning it was imperative to move fast and quietly.

“Are you hurt?”

You hardly heard the question over the cluster of infected you’d angered. The shrieking intensified and filled your senses. Tommy repeated his question, yet entirely focused on the path before him.

“Fine.” You faltered, finding your voice. “I’m fine.”

Your hands started to shake. Your gun was gone, forgotten as you fought for your life. Tommy’s horse was mangled beyond recognition, buried beneath a swarm of infected. Your options were becoming extremely limited.

“We’ve got to get to the water.” Tommy was steps ahead of you, already seeing the safety in his mind. Yet, his lightheartedness with you was gone, replaced by years of tactful experience.  “We can get leverage there.”

The formation of your relationship would have questioned how you followed Tommy so faithfully.  You were reluctant, but you were desperate. And now that desperation morphed into dependence for survival.

“I need you to stay focused now, okay?” Tommy spoke in hushed tones, eyes filtering the mess before you. Even the path of least resistance included immense risk. “When I move, you move.”

He led you purposefully, firing his gun only when necessary and using his strength to his advantage.  You felt useless beside him, watching as he ruthlessly cleared the path. But you were no longer controlling your body, moving only on instinct.

That’s when Tommy heard it. He halted, reaching to you again to backtrack the route. His mind turned, waiting to land on a useful thought. But you recognized the panic in his eyes.

“Shit. ”

The curses poured out swiftly. He needed to think.

“Tomm-

His hand was to your mouth, cutting his name short. The forceful silence filled you with fear as your back became met the tree bark. Tommy’s eyebrows were taut, eyes wide with a finger on his lips.

You heard it.

The trees groaned against the wind. Anything that resonated drove the clicker closer to where Tommy encased you in a protective hold.  Its movements twitched erratically, following any sound with a semblance of life.

As the pressure grew, you pulled him to your chest by the collar of his jacket. Your bodies were flesh together, unsteady breath mixing as you trembled under him.

You tried to hold it in, breathing evenly to suppress any sobbing urge. It was neither the time nor the place for added emotion. But the clicker was close, close enough that it would soon brush against Tommy’s collar. The very same one you held onto so desperately.

Your tears fell freely, sliding down until they met the palm of Tommy’s hand. You clenched your teeth so hard you bit your tongue and cried harder. Tommy could feel how they burned, how terrified you really were.  Your brain lagged when Tommy pulled the pistol from his waist.

In a fluid movement, he used it to deliver a lethal shot.

—

You were staring.

Tommy could feel the burning gaze on his profile since you settled by the fire. He remained quiet, but you stayed silent from the moment the clicking echoed in the dense forest.  

The fear refused to leave you, and the repeated question stayed on the tip of Tommy’s tongue. Are you alright?

Anger radiated off of you. If you spoke now, you knew it would be misdirected. Instead, you tore your eyes from him with indifference.

Tommy pulled at the bandana fastened around his neck, using his canteen to dose it with water. You watched him rub it along his face, around his neck and hands. He wasted more water to help the paisley pattern return to its original grungy white.

Your arm's length away requirement diminished the longer you spent with him, especially when he was habitually responsible for closing the distance. “C’mere.”

Although Tommy called you to him, he met you in your spot. You lifted your chin for him as he wiped off any remnants of what shook you. Maybe it was only symbolic, but it helped.

“I don’t trust you.”  

You had waited until his fingers rested on your chin to speak. Your voice didn’t even sound like your own. It was soft and airy as if it carried no weight, no life. Tommy’s eyebrows pulled together. He wasn’t confused but intrigued by your choice of words.

“Odd way to say thank you.”  Tommy stood with a sigh, bandanna forgotten as he threw it on his pack. Your eyes tracked him as he moved on to prepare the canned dinner.

“Who are you- How did-” Your head cocked to the side. The images of the hours prior were still fresh in your mind. How could he be so calm? “How did you do that?”

You said it yourself; you didn’t trust him. He saw something in your eyes; he believed you.

The past handful of weeks proved that. And yet, he knew you stuck around because he was your final option for survival.

“I was in the military.” Tommy resigned in the truth. He didn’t regret it but always wished things turned out differently.  “Joined right out of school, stayed until I didn’t have to anymore.”

“The military’s just a pipeline to FEDRA.” You spat your words. You found any reason to be upset at him. You wanted something to be wrong about the situation—a reason to run.

“You believe that?”  He picked at the food, eyeing, squinting just slightly to challenge you. There was always a catch. But he was slowly giving you a reason to believe there wasn’t. “You need to eat something.”

Adrenaline had numbed your body; your legs no longer ached from running, your mind felt blank, and all you felt was dread. Therefore, you failed to tally how long it had been since you ate, the way Tommy had.

You pushed the food around in the can you hadn’t noticed he passed along. You didn’t trust what your stomach could handle.

Tommy seemed so unbothered that it bothered you. His gaze was fixed on the sky, ankles crossed over one another, and fingers settled comfortably across his chest.  But the judgment didn’t go unnoticed.

“May as well ask it, sweetheart.”

Tommy caught your eye and saw the way you were contemplating every aspect of his being. You hardly knew him. He was convincing, though. Talked of a place that would take you in, no questions asked. A place that sounded disgustingly beautiful.

“You’re not from around here.” You commented, but you didn’t seem settled with the statement. Sweetheart. Naturally, it rolled off his tongue and paired perfectly with the accent. “Louisiana?”

The more he spoke, the thicker his drawl seemed to become. Maybe it was the stress that evoked it, but it certainly didn’t belong to the land you occupied. It was soft but detectable.  

“God, no.” He shook his head.  You were able to hear his laugh directly. It was fleeting, more  like a quick breath out the nose, but it was a laugh. “Texas.”

“So you’re a real cowboy, then.” You mused. There was a warmth to your words that wasn’t there before. There was a need to put it out, but you continued, “All this isn’t just for show.”

“Suppose not, no.”

It was then you understood Tommy. You clocked him easily; what he was like before it all. He was trouble, a magnet for mischief.  He was kindhearted at his core but had the ability to do so much more. He was dangerous, yet you’ve never felt more secure.

A chill crawled up your spine at the actualization. You didn’t know what to do with it but pause before offering an unorthodox thank you,  "...Empathy will get you killed."

"Then I'm a dead man walking."

[blouisparadise]

Upon request, today we have a rec list of bottom Louis fics that both have A/B/O dynamics and are soft and fluffy! If you enjoy our rec lists and would like them to continue, please like and reblog this post to help spread the word. Happy reading!

1) Seven, Seven | Not Rated | 1,877 words

“Hello, baby girl,” Harry says as soon as the nurse places the bundle of joy into his arms. “We’ve been dying to meet you.”

2) Send Me Your Pillow (The One That You Dream On) | General Audiences | 3,187 words

Harry is embarrassed to realize he's nesting but can't stop stealing Louis' things for his nest.

3) Whisk Me Off My Feet | Explicit | 5,054 words

When Louis locks himself out of his apartment in just a pair of novelty underwear, he hopes his new neighbor can come to his rescue.

4) Purr And Shout | Not Rated | 5,274 words

The sound that escapes Harry's mouth couldn't possibly be a purr. He's an alpha, alphas don't purr. Or do they?

5) Take Me To The Stars | Explicit | 5,840 words

Staring at his darling daughter, in the middle of the pasta aisle, Louis found himself on the edge of a neurotic breakdown.

"It’s your birthday tomorrow! And your papa better not do anything to muck it up! Because your dada worked very hard to organise it! And all of your aunties and grannies and granddads and friends will be there!” Louis continued in a sweet sing-song voice that seemed to get increasingly frantic as he continued. “And if your papa is in rut, then what? What’ll we do, honey girl? Your dada will be too busy! And your papa will be too horn-”

“Louis,” Harry interrupted, touching Louis’ arm. “I’ll be okay. It’s probably not even my rut. I can appreciate you… all of you… even when I’m not in rut.”

Louis looked at him skeptically, imagining the shitshow that would be Harry in rut, surrounded by family and friends, at their child’s first birthday party. “I hope you’re right, H.”

6) Young And Sweet | Explicit | 5,894 words

Louis sees his ex at the carnival and thinks that he must be the solution to his problem.

7) Glistening Under The Sun (You're My Honey Soaked Love) |  Mature | 8,996 words | Sequel

The cottagecore fic we all needed, featuring Petal the overprotective bunny, mummy Louis and alpha Harry that lives and breathes for his omega.

8) I Will Cover My Eyes (For If The Dark Returns) | Not Rated | 9,582 words

Alpha Harry asks omega Louis out and things progress from there.

9) When Tomorrow Comes | Explicit | 11,111 words

When Louis and Niall are partnered up to complete a project on Omega scents and how they effect the nesting behaviours of Alphas, little does Louis know that the course of his life is about to be forever altered.

10) Butterflies, The Beautiful Kind | Explicit | 18,401 words

Prompt 36: Louis is a single parent with a child who is terrified of doctors. However, one day, the kid gets sick. Thankfully the new pediatrician, doctor Styles, has wild curly hair and green eyes and a soothing deep voice that the kid immediately grows attached to.

11) Tiger Lily | Mature | 20,155 words

I worked next door and when he walked in, my whole world turned on it's head.

12) This Love Is Ours | Mature | 21028 words

“I told you to call me Harry.” Harry looks amused. It’s not funny. Louis throwing up because of him isn’t funny.

“But I’ve been calling you Mr. Styles for so long.”

“And now you’re carrying my baby.”

13) Swept Me Off My Feet (Took My Heart And Took Me Down) | Explicit | 25,447 words

When Louis had decided to reopen his mother’s bakery, he never thought a charming alpha would walk in through the door, let alone fall in love with him over tea, dessert and music.

14) Raise a Glass to the Four of Us | Mature | 25,470 words

Louis stared at his luggage.

Well. Apparently not his luggage, because the clothing he was looking at currently was a: worth more than everything he currently possessed, b: not his size at all, and c: more suited for a fancy ass lawyer than a holiday in NYC with his best mates.

“Ooh, nice loafers,” Niall said as he pulled one out of the suitcase. “I love the rainbows.”

“Okay,” Liam began. “What do you want to do first? Eat, shop for new clothes, or spend hours on the phone with the airline?”

Louis continued to stare at the luggage.

15) Yours To Lose | Mature | 25,472 words

“I think I know the person that matches your descriptions of your dream alpha.”

“Who? And oh not my dream alpha, god you’re making me sound like a teenage school girl. I’m a mum, H.” They laugh as they watch kids gather in front of the verandah, getting ready to go back to the orphanage.

“Well, you’re gonna have to find out.” Harry winks before standing up to start cleaning their spot.

16) Feeling Peachy, Take A Bite | Explicit | 25,654 words

Prompt 570: Omega Louis works at a cupcake shop. He makes the prettiest cupcakes and loves his job. In comes beefy alpha Harry who absolutely loves to eat Louis’ cake. Inspired by Louis being a cute baby girl handing out cupcakes. (no a/b/o necessary, but Louis has to be feminine).

17) Confections Of The Heart | Explicit | 25,877 words

Louis is a single mom, Harry is a pastry chef, and Oliver just wants his mom to be happy. With a teaspoon of love and a sprinkle of fate, the three might just find a home in each other.

18) I Know How To Whisk (But Teach Me Anyway) | Mature | 32,113 words

Louis scrunched his eyebrows in confusion. “I don’t understand. Unmated alphas don’t just go into a rut out of nowhere. Unless…”

Louis grabbed onto Niall’s arm in desperation. “Am I a homewrecker? Does Harry have a mate? Oh my God, was he not flirting? Did the change in his scent not have anything to do with my smell yesterday? Did I just make that up!?”

Louis let go of Niall and dropped his face in his hands. “I knew it was too good to be true.”

���You’re an idiot,” Niall stated. Louis looked up to find Niall rolling his eyes. He snapped his laptop closed and moved to stand up. “I need to get some work done. Why don’t you stay here and think back to ABO dynamics 101.”

With that Niall hopped off the couch and headed to his room. He stopped and turned to Louis before he made it to the hall and said, “Oh, and Lou. You may want to reconsider your outlook on soulmates.”

Louis yelled after him. “Soulmates aren’t a thing, Niall!”

19) Let Me Feel Your Heartbeat | Explicit | 34,572 words

Harry is 98% sure Louis hates him. So he feels like his bewilderment is justified when the omega offers to help him through his rut.

20) I Found A Love For Me (Darling Just Dive Right In) | Explicit | 46,652 words | Sequel

Louis, an omega with very little control. Harry, an alpha with a lot of emotion. Neither of them have any idea what do to with this little thing called love, but they’ll be damned if they don’t put up a good fight.

21) Gallery Of Us | Explicit | 55,782 words

Harry knew what he was doing in life, everything laid out in black-and-white, each day pleasantly predictable. Cue lively art student, Louis, trying to find his place. An almost insufferably happy person who sometimes forgets to hide the way they feel meets the person who is diligent enough to notice and determined to make a difference.

22) Love Me Until The End | Mature | 207,053 words

“Dr. Styles there’s an emergency at the maternity ward. The head nurse called for you, he needs you there as soon as possible.” The trainee tells Harry over the phone, catching his attention. Louis Tomlinson, the Louis Tomlinson is calling him? He lowers his clipboard and nods his head, getting up from his chair.

“Tell Mr. Tomlinson I’ll be there right away.”

Check out our other fic rec lists by category here and by title here.

[sunnyrosewritesstuff]

Round 2, Poll 1

Poll at the bottom of the post.

A Mother's Curse: (Reverse Werewolf AU)

“Oh Bilbo. Are you certain about this?” Aunt Chica fussed.

Bilbo smiled fondly at her before pulling her into a hug. Dawn lurked closer with every second, but Bilbo still had time for this farewell.

“Gandalf says there might be a cure. I would be a fool not to take this chance.” He answered.

Uncle Bingo clapped him on the back before pulling him into a hug as well. 

“Sounds like your mind is made up then, but cure or no, this is always a home waiting for you.” 

Bilbo could feel his eyes prickle as he couldn’t stop himself from releasing a low, keening whine. Rather used to his oddities, his family merely smiled at him. There was no need to talk about what would happen if Bilbo failed to return. Bag End’s residents would continue to live and thrive without having to prepare for an expected house guest every full moon. Perhaps this adventure truly would be best for everyone.

“Come on, Bilbo. We don’t want you to get caught in Hobbiton again.” Falco stated.

Yes, Bilbo had managed to frighten quite a few neighbors that morning which was one of the reasons he kept away from the villages. He wouldn’t have to worry about that anymore. Not while they were on the road. In fact, he hadn’t quite figured out what to do about a hobbit appearing suddenly in the company, but he was sure Gandalf would have a solution for him. 

Bilbo gave one last look to his family and his home, committing them to memory before stepping outside into the cool morning air.

Oakenshield: Prince or Thief?: (Robin Hood AU)

“They are only worthwhile to the dwarf that bears them, and I do not go around blaming every dwarf we find for Smaug’s reign.”

“Perhaps you should.” Legolas muttered much to Tauriel’s amusement.

Bilbo rolled his eyes. This is what he got for partnering with elves. However, Legolas and Tauriel’s help has been invaluable, and Bilbo could not thank Thranduil enough for lending them to him. He probably wouldn’t say it to the lord’s face, but he would definitely think it.

“How did you fare this time, my boy?” Gandalf asked, from where he had been sat on a log tending to their campfire. 

“Our dwarves were certainly not the richest bunch, but it is enough to make a difference for a couple of families, I think.”

Gandalf gave him a pitying look as he plopped down next to him. “You can’t save everyone, Bilbo. The people you’ve helped appreciate your efforts, whether they are enough or not.”

Bilbo tried not to scowl into the flames at being read so thoroughly by the old wizard. It had started by just asking the townspeople what he could do to help. They would list off their needs: more food, more medicine, more cloth, and Bilbo tried to fulfill their needs to the best of his abilities. More often than not, stealing what he could from the more fortunate, but there had been a time where he had gathered herbs in the forest or raided his own garden for crops. However, he soon learned that all of their ails would be cured if they weren’t busy squandering their savings on Smaug’s ridiculous taxes. That’s when he started robbing for coin. 

[perfectlyvalid49]

Sometimes I feel like this blog is more Judaism focused than I really want it to be. Like, I am Jewish, but that’s only one aspect of my personality. I’m also interested in politics and linguistics and nerdy pop culture stuff and a whole bunch of other things. And I want this blog to have space for all of that.

So when I spent a ton of time late last week fighting with an antisemite, I told myself that when I was done with him (or as it turns out, when he was done with me), I’d take a break from posting about Jewish issues for a bit. Just like, a week where I’m just reblogging stuff that makes me laugh or an interesting language fact or something like that. Y’know, happy stuff.

He blocked me Friday, and on Saturday, Hamas attacked. And I’ve got a big mouth, so I can’t not say anything. Maybe when this is all resolved I can post happy stuff, but for right now, I need a place to talk, even though I’m struggling with what to say.

I guess the first thing I should say is that I feel terrible about what’s happening. Because what’s happened so far is bad, and what will happen next is even worse. Israel will take its vengeance; innocent Palestinians will die. The friends and families of the victims on both sides will be radicalized and the violence will continue. I hate it and it’s stupid and I wish there was an easy way to stop it and I know that there isn’t.

And I want to say that I support the Palestinian people. The way that Israel treats the Palestinians in Gaza is inhumane – it shouldn’t be allowed! But Israel treats them that way because before they did, you couldn’t get on a bus in Israel without worrying about being blown up. That shouldn’t be allowed either! Everything is complicated. Both sides are full of people who just want to live in peace who are being screwed over by a minority who won’t be happy until the other side is gone. Both sides have valid points, both sides have done terrible things. Anyone who is telling you that it isn’t complicated is either woefully uneducated about the history of the conflict, thinks one side does not deserve fundamental human rights, or both.

And after saying all that, I guess that I should make it clear that I’m still a Zionist – I believe that the Jewish people have the right to a self-determined state, and I think that Israel is probably the best place for it (I did not say a good place, I just don’t think there’s a better one. The best of a bunch of bad options is still the best). Having said that I’m a Zionist, I still hate what Israel’s government is doing and has been doing. Netanyahu is a monster. You can disagree with a country’s government and still think it has a right to exisit.

If you think that all Zionists are evil (and you’re still reading this), then tell me a better solution. Where should Jews go to be safe from governmental persecution? Or should they be denied that? If so, why?

And that’s the other thing I want to talk about. Every Jew I know is watching this with feelings of grief and horror, and the response from the left seems to be some variation on, “Israeli civilians deserved this,” “go back to where you came from,” or “terrorism is OK, actually, as long as it’s against a colonizer state (but not the one I live in).” And it’s soul-crushing. It is possible to be anti-Zionist without being antisemitic, but it seems like right now people aren’t even trying. The only good Jew is a dead Jew, and now that there are a bunch of dead Jews, everyone is celebrating.

I keep thinking about this video that I watched at school when I was a kid about the conflict. It was probably the mid 90s and the video showed Arab and Israeli kids playing together with a voice over from an interview with one of their moms. And I remember her saying that the kids playing together was good because then they would be friends, and when they got older they wouldn’t want to fight each other because they would remember that they were friends. I know now that it was probably a propaganda video, but that’s still what I want. I want leadership for Gaza that isn’t a terrorist organization, I want leadership for Israel that isn’t a far right authoritarian nightmare, I want Palestinians to not be locked behind a wall, I want Israelis who don’t have drills for when the rockets come. I want everyone – EVERYONE – to be able to live a life in peace and I want two little boys with different backgrounds and religions that both include a history in Israel to be able to play in a field by a river and be friends.

And if you don’t want that? Fuck you.

[thatcheesyler]

Spiderman ATSV tk hcs (because I'm very normal about them)

Miles Morales

He gives me lee-leaning switch vibes

Is usually the one dragged into tickle fights whenever he's on the sidelines

He doesn't really mind though, as long as he's having fun

Cannot STAND teases in the slightest

He can't help but melt into a blushing puddle the second somebody teases him

Produces nervous giggles at first, but his laughter gets higher pitched as his ler continues

Is the type of guy to be slightly insecure of his laugh

He'd do next to nothing about stopping your hands and instead focus on covering his mouth

An easy solution to this would be to get his armpits as soon as his hands start to gravitate towards his face

He'd absolutely 𝘴𝘲𝘶𝘦𝘢𝘭 and clamp his arms down, trapping the ler's fingers and, well...you know what happens

Can be a bit of a thrasher when being wrecked, but he tries his best not to harm anyone unless his ler is a villain

Beware for his ler moments though, he can and 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 use his invisibility or electricity powers to sneak up on you and send ticklish shocks throughout your body

He's still working on his stealth, but he's managed to get Gwen, Pavitr, Miguel and Peter B. so far

He gives me ticklish neck vibes, I'd say his neck is the only spot that makes him snort of you tickle him for long enough

Did once get ganged up on by the other Arachkids

Was also later wrecked by Miguel as revenge, but he kinda figured it would happen sooner or later

He tries so hard to curl in on himself when he's tickled, whatever the position

Worst spot would probably be his ribs in my opinion, bro cannot handle anyone even 𝘵𝘰𝘶𝘤𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 his ribs

Is overall a 7.5/10 on the ticklish scale

Gwen Stacy

Defo a ler for the most part

Please be careful when initiating a tickle fight within close distance of her bc she will go in for the kill

She's fine with saying the word or any connotations but only for a short period of time

Due to her incredible agility and grace under pressure, running is literally pointless bc she can and will catch you within the first ten seconds

I like to think she starts with slow traces along the lee's torso, just to get those pesky anticipation giggles outta them

Will absolutely compliment the lee's laughter/giggling/snorts, etc

She will DESTROY the lee with teases when or if she gets the chance, do not mess with this girl 😃

Often finds herself smiling subconsciously bc she just thinks the entire predicament is just so wholesome for some reason

Her lee moments are rare...but never forgotten

I mean, staying in Hobie's dimension doesn't always come for free, and the price does just so happen to be tickles

Being the teasy asshole he is, Hobie has and never will let her live that down, but it is Hobie we're talking abt here so she wouldn't really expect anything different

(She did get him back afterwards tho lol)

Overall probably a 6.6/10 on the ticklish scale

Pavitr Prabhakar

A shameless switch in my opinion

I mean, let's be honest, if he has the effortless confidence to tease Miles and Gwen abt their relationship, then he will have next to no problem expressing his need for tickles/to tickle someone

Due to his personality though, I do believe he'll lean more towards being a ler

He absolutely created a rule where anytime someone says 'chai tea' or 'naan bread', they will be wrecked to the verge of tears for disrespecting his culture (yes, this rule does apply to The Spot as well)

Bro has been blessed by the gods perhaps a little bit 𝘵𝘰𝘰 much, his laugh literally sounds like the most charming noise ever, even when he's being tickled silly. But anytime someone brings it up, he'll blush and dismiss his laughter as being "okay" and "just a normal laugh"

RASPBERRIES WORK WAY TOO WELL ON THIS BOY

He ended up screaming so loud that his neighbours called the police because they thought he was being murdered or something

So that was an awkward interaction, considering the neighbours called the police captain in, aka GAYATRI'S DAD

Any place near or on his ribs is an absolute 𝘥𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘩 spot

Anyway, ler time

EXTREMELY skilled with his hands (that sounds so wrong help ���)

Will literally do a full mental assessment of his lee, noting which spots are the least and most ticklish, how the pitch of their laughter varies, etc

Very good at teasing, but doesn't like to overdo it, and won't baby-talk anyone unless they're comfortable with it

Will laugh along with the lee, he can't help it, their laugh is just so contagious!

About an 8.2/10 on the ticklish scale

Hobie Brown (my love)

...Oh lord, where do I even 𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘳𝘵 with this anarchist

Ler-leaning switch, in all honesty

He's a lovable asshole and he takes pride in it, if he finds out someone he's friends with is ticklish, they are 𝘥𝘰𝘯𝘦 for

Playful bullying is part of his love language, so don't expect any less than a teasing smirk the whole time and mean but joking comments about the lee's reactions

"Aww, bit sensitive luv, aye?" "Why yu laughin' dear? Did I say somethin' funny?" "I don'know how yu thought yu'd get away wiv that."

Stuff like that basically, so yeah, be prepared to melt into a flustered puddle

Of course he still respects boundaries though, if you really want him to stop, he will back off without any hesitation

Okay, now, his lee side..oh gosh, he is quite the squirmer

Good luck trying to hold him down, he will thrash around like a fish that's fresh out of water

Can and will yell out almost every curse word in the book, he doesn't mean any of it though

If you do manage to keep him in place though, the amount of sheer panic and anticipation in his eyes will never get old

Will try to keep his cool, constantly attempting to distract you so that he can prolong his tickly fate

The ler almost always sees through his lies though, so there's really no point

He has the highest pitched giggles a person could ever hear, very out of character for him, but very adorable so we can excuse it 😌

Has a SERIOUSLY sensitive neck, probably explains why he wears a choker

Will screech like a vulture if the ler goes anywhere near his neck and may accidentally try to punch them, so watch out for that 😅

The front and backs of his knees will also have him cackling like a maniac

Overall an 8.7/10 on the ticklish scale

Done! :D

[aita-blorbos]

Am I The Asshole for not telling my QPP that I (sort of) came back from the dead?

My Queer Platonic Partner (4595 M), who I'll call F, and I (~300k M) got together in the late eleventh century, and we've basically been married since the sixteenth century. (Not legally, obviously, but we lived together and pooled our finances and all that.)

While doing some spy work in France during WWII (on behalf of the Allies) I got another future vision showing me getting killed by this cult of weird supernatural obsessed rich people, and I could tell it would happen sometime in the next year or so. Now, there are ways to shift small details of the stuff I see in my future visions, but I'm pretty sure trying to change anything too major would break the fabric of spacetime, if you could even manage to make a change in the first place, so I accepted pretty quickly that my demise was inevitable and started making preparations (writing a will, etc.)

Obviously after all this time I know F pretty well, and he tends to struggle dealing with grief; most of his friends are other immortals and he only really interacts with mortals professionally. I also know there would be absolutely no way he would just accept the fact that my death is inevitable, and would end up spending the next however-long-I-had-left trying to find a solution and would probably really beat himself up about it when he failed.

On top of that, telling other people too much about my visions tends to lead to bad stuff happening (like an immortal cult leader/dictator from my home dimension, who we'll call C, massacring 60+ planets, attempting to take over Earth multiple times, and basically turning his kid into a living weapon), so I don't tend to tell people about them, a boundary which F knows about and usually respects.

So basically, I didn't tell F what I saw. I got kidnapped, he tried to rescue me but was a bit too late, I bled out after getting stabbed by a magic sword, etc., etc. Now, when people of my species die, we get reincarnated. We're reborn in an entirely new body, and with our memories suppressed, we grow into entirely new people with entirely new experiences. You keep your magic powers and basically stop aging around 20, but that's about it. It's a bit different for humans for slightly complicated deific political reasons, I think? F knows this because I told him about it at some point.

After I died, the wife (? F) of one of F's old friends showed up and told me she was Death and that C was gonna try to invade Earth again at some point in the future and my help would be needed, so she was willing to let me sort of... stick around in my reincarnation (now 78 NB)'s brain. So obviously I agreed.

My reincarnation, E, was born somewhere in the US shortly after I died. For context, F and I previously lived in the UK. I hung back for most of E's childhood because I wanted to let them live their own life, but I did help them out a few times with bullies and shitty teachers and stuff. (They're queer and neurodivergent and grew up in the 50s, so they didn't exactly have the best childhood).

There wasn't exactly a whole lot I could do to contact F when E was younger, and even when they got older, there still wasn't much I could do without fucking up their life, so basically I spent several decades only showing up when E was asleep or everyone involved was super high, so even E didn't know I existed.

Sometime around the early 80s E started getting into superhero stuff, which isn't really my cup of tea, so I ended up sorta taking a nap for a few decades. I woke up in the mid 2010s to find out that F and E had apparently become friends? Again, I don't want to mess up either of their lives, and it seemed to me like F had moved on, so I continued hiding.

Recently, C started trying to invade earth again, so I started sneaking out at night to try to stop them with the help of R (18 NB/M?), the literal only other person who knew I existed. (He accidentally ran into me getting a late night snack while breaking into E's house for prank reasons. It's a long story.) We ended up running into some other people, including F's dad (4622 F), so eventually a total of like, 4 people knew about my existence. None of them knew I was me, as in F's dead ex QPP/E's past life. Fortunately, I was able to convince everyone not to tell E or F about me.

Fast forward to a couple months ago, C launched a full scale attack on the city where basically everyone involved in this mess lives. I won't go into too many details, but during the attack E ended up getting hit with a "sleeping spell" which basically just knocked them out, leaving me in control of the body by default. My fighting style is pretty different than E's, so F recognized me almost immediately.

We ended up getting into a pretty big argument about me not telling him I was still around, during which I ended up finding out that after I died he basically lost all faith in humanity and tried to destroy the world a couple times, and he basically admitted he still wasn't over my death, but he was also really pissed at me for not telling him that I was still around. I tried to explain but F still insisted I should have told him. We're both fairly stubborn and quick to anger, so the argument ended up getting a bit out of hand, and now we aren't talking to one another. I understand why he's angry, but I still feel like I didn't have any other choice.

Am I The Asshole?

(Side Note: E is now aware I exist and is trying to act as a mediator. They understand my reasoning for not outright telling them, and had a pretty good laugh over all the signs of my existence that they missed, but F is still pissed on their behalf about me not telling them.)

[booksandpaperss]

some ramble-y thoughts on men's social isolation and women's safety bc this has been on my mind for a bit

I do think it's really sad how men end up feeling so isolated bc of various social expectations as well as people being cruel, but as a fem presenting person I have to say that you can't just expect women and anyone who is fem presenting to just "start being nicer". ive seen a few posts on Tumblr essentially stating that but I have to reiterate it is about safety. I literally cannot afford to stop looking at men with caution and assumed violence until I get to know them really well bc if I stop that could genuinely cost me me life. its true that most men I see probably are not predators and im sure it hurts to be perceived that way, but I have no way of being able to tell who is and isn't going to harm me. I have to assume the worst because it is the only way I can stay safe.

it sucks, it really does, for all parties involved. I have so much sympathy for the men who are genuinely kind and would never hurt me that feel isolated, it isn't fair, and I myself certainly don't enjoy the *necessary* fear that the random guy im passing on the street could see me and decide to hurt me, but this is the reality of the world. there is no easy solution, but what certainly isn't a solution is expecting women to start being kinder to men they dont know because once again: that could genuinely cost someone their life.

The best solution right now I think is to continue to try to deconstruct misogyny and gender roles, and that takes time, patience, and understanding.

I have also seen the notion on here that men feeling isolated socially is misandry, but the reality is that misandry is simply not real on a systemic scale. men feeling isolated is a direct result of the patriarchy and a side affect of misogyny. a lot of things on this website that are perceived as misandry are either not real problems or they are but they're just the impacts of misogyny and the gender roles that come with it.

But it is very surreal to be walking alone at night, clutching my pepper spray and glaring whenever a man I don't know is near me, making sure to stay next to the street and make it obvious I know exactly where I'm going and still feeling the fear that it might not be enough and something horrible could happen to me anyway, only come back to Tumblr and see people saying misandry is just as prevalent as misogyny and women need to start considering how it feels for men to be looked at like they're predators. Touch grass seems like an applicable statement here.

oh and obligatory piss on the poor tumblr disclaimer: I know I am using binary terms so before any of you get on your high horse about it, I myself am non binary. I am not actually a woman, but I certainly look like one and therefore deal with misogyny. I fully understand that trans men and genderqueers of all kinds as well as even feminine cis men also fear for their life on the street so dont even think abt getting on my ass about that. oh and if any of you try to call this a terf post consider yourself blocked with a recommendation to get a refresh on what terf actually means instead of just throwing around the term when you see any post trying to talk about misogyny :D

final disclaimer bc I wanna cover all my bases due to Tumblr reading comprehension: im aware topics like this are very nuanced with lots of layers, please dont act like im obligated to cover all that in a random Tumblr post of all things, I cannot possibly cover everything nor am I obligated to. I simply wanted to remind ppl that actual lives are at risk and fem presenting people constantly and regularly fear for their life bc I feel like that gets left out a lot in conversations like this on here. <3

[theambitiouswoman]

I’m new to being back on Tumblr after a lot of years. Your page is everything I used to aspire to do on a platform. I really admire your take on things.

The last year has really put me through a lot. I had a baby in December, my partner and I have both been battling our mental health (he’s bipolar and I have BPD), and in May after 27 years, I found my birth family. This was great for all of 5 seconds, but soon unraveled a very deeply traumatized line of ancestors on both sides- including my dad being unalived by my grandfather before he unalived himself 20 years ago next month.

There’s a lot of other daily nuances I could go into but essentially- I just feel totally taken over by depression, anxiety and a never-ending feeling of being overwhelmed.. and as many times as I feel like I’ve gotten myself out of a bad headspace, this time just feels so overpowering and it’s really ruining my relationship and my family in the process. My boyfriend doesn’t often have the capacity to be emotionally supportive because he’s got his own stuff going on, and I’m in a state with no friends or family around to feel like I can turn to anyone else. We both work full time, don’t have off days together and on all of my off days I have the baby by myself.

Do you have any suggestions based off what I’ve shared as to what I could do to find my way back to myself and a more positive place? I feel like I wake up most days and immediately start complaining and by the evening I’m isolating myself to the bedroom and crying myself to sleep. I just don’t want to be this version of myself anymore.

Thank you so much! I am very humbled 💗

Congratulations on your baby!!!

All of your experiences this past year, good or bad can take a toll on anyone emotionally. That was a lot to hit you with after the other. Any person would be drained especially when we do not have the opportunity to process them.

With that, I want to say that from the outside, it seems like your life revolves around everyone else but you. Like you lost yourself a bit. And that is not really fair for you. But that is okay. Happens to the best of us <3 All of these things aside from i'm sure daily problems and nuisances can alone exhaust us and take a toll on our mental health. Remember that, for us to give the best to others, we have to first give it to ourselves. I know we want and need support. You are not wrong for it. Unfortunately a lot of times we won't get it. The truth is, we need to learn how to be our own support system too. This might sound unfair and hard, totally. It probably is. But it helps build you up. And I think this is where you are currently at with yourself?

These negative thoughts and feelings are going to continue to live there until you decide to take an active role in your life. Not making it about everyone else, and the feelings they provoke in you. If you truly want to change your current reality, you need to decide to and commit. You need to reframe the story you are currently telling yourself. Even if you feel like you are lying to yourself in the beginning. if you know you wake up complaining then that tells me you are already aware of it. Your position would be to realize when you are about to do it, stop yourself, and change your thought pattern into something positive. Start practicing this with every negative thought or action you have through out the day. Start by accustoming yourself to become aware of it all. Even if we mess up, auto correct yourself immediately. Seriously. Remember that the more negativity we project, even valid, is what we will continue to get back. Nothing changes if we do not change. I would recommend finding healthier ways for you to express your negative emotions. Journaling is great honestly because not only can you vent, but you can analyze and create possible solutions. It is very good to let our feelings out, especially understand them past the problem at hand, but it is not good to make them our whole life.

You can regain control of your life and this narrative you are living in the second you decide and commit to. Sounds easy, and it is. It is easy to understand, but hard to implement. It is also very worth it.

Sometimes things do not happen to us, they happen for us. Changing your life starts with you. Do not let these feelings, people, experiences turn you into someone you are not. It is literally YOUR LIFE. Remember how amazing you are, it is time.

[josdimension]

The intersection of climate change & communication

It’s safe to say that news informs our daily lives, we rely a lot on digital and print media to tell us not only what is going on in the world but also what should be prioritized as important. With competing news items and a massive amount of information available, we’ve allowed the news to filter to us what we need to know. With the dawn of social media we have been introduced to a new format, what we hear about is not just through the lens of the journalist, or the agency they write for (which determines the day’s top stories), nor the conglomerate (who owns the agencies that define the news cycles according to what benefits their business models), now we can get news from anyone, anywhere, at any time. 

While we can be grateful for the foundation that traditional journalism has laid, I think we should be more grateful that we don’t need to rely on that model to inform us wholly and solely, because when I think about climate change for instance, if we were relying on a large conglomerate to decide what we needed to know, it’s likely we would only have part of the picture. There is one aspect of climate change that I notice is severely underreported on and is the impact of war on climate change. In an article by Doug Weir for the Guardian titled: ‘The climate costs of war and militaries can no longer be ignored’ he talks about how “More than 5% of global emissions are linked to conflict or militaries but countries continue to hide the true scale”.

From this week’s lecture my favorite speaker would have to be the editor from Bloomberg because they did not shy away from the tough audience questions including acknowledging that we are in an era where there is consolidation of news outlet ownership at the top, and that we are still recovering and rebuilding trust from the fake news allegations created during the 2016-2020 political tornado of alternative facts. The presenter had a very organized and well thought out presentation, and really provided some key takeaway items to apply in our daily lives when talking about climate change in both close-knit and wider circles. Including the importance of the following:

“Meeting readers where they are, when they get there.

Reframing  the observable world.

Identifying an inflection point.

Offering analysis or a counterintuitive angle.” 

I also appreciate the discussion around how bringing people to the table to discuss climate change works best when you don’t lead with what they need to sacrifice. The Paper straw example was visually on point and resonates with anyone who ever sat and thought to themselves If this straw melting in my drink is how we’re gonna save the planet then there will be a long road ahead. In reality, straws are a drop in the bucket of the issues we face, while it’s important to stop single use plastics they have to be replaced with solutions that are practical and have longevity so the consumers are inclined to keep using it. This discussion although seemingly small made me think of the ongoing debate about whether people should be paying a premium for plant-based milk, why does almond milk cost more than cow’s milk when one is probably costing the environment more than the other.

To move the needle on the bigger topics like how researchers claim that 12 months of emissions from the Ukraine war are comparable to a year of emissions from 1-3 countries depending on size, we need to start have the smaller tough conversations on milk and straws, to graduate to the military industry complex and how it is harming the planet in more ways than we realize.

While we can be grateful for the foundation that traditional journalism has laid, I think we should be more grateful that we don’t need to rely on that model to inform us wholly and solely, because when I think about climate change for instance, if we were relying on a large conglomerate to decide what we needed to know, it’s likely we would only have part of the picture. There is one aspect of climate change that I notice is severely underreported on and is the impact of war on climate change. In an article by Doug Weir for the Guardian titled: ‘The climate costs of war and militaries can no longer be ignored’ he talks about how “More than 5% of global emissions are linked to conflict or militaries but countries continue to hide the true scale”. 

From this week’s lecture my favorite speaker would have to be the editor from Bloomberg because they did not shy away from the tough audience questions including acknowledging that we are in an era where there is consolidation of news outlet ownership at the top, and that we are still recovering and rebuilding trust from the fake news allegations created during the 2016-2020 political tornado of alternative facts. The presenter had a very organized and well thought out presentation, and really provided some key takeaway items to apply in our daily lives when talking about climate change in both close-knit and wider circles. Including the importance of the following:

“Meeting readers where they are, when they get there.

Reframing  the observable world.

Identifying an inflection point.

Offering analysis or a counterintuitive angle.” 

I also appreciate the discussion around how bringing people to the table to discuss climate change works best when you don’t lead with what they need to sacrifice. The Paper straw example was visually on point and resonates with anyone who ever sat and thought to themselves If this straw melting in my drink is how we’re gonna save the planet then there will be a long road ahead. In reality, straws are a drop in the bucket of the issues we face, while it’s important to stop single use plastics they have to be replaced with solutions that are practical and have longevity so the consumers are inclined to keep using it. This discussion although seemingly small made me think of the ongoing debate about whether people should be paying a premium for plant-based milk, why does almond milk cost more than cow’s milk when one is probably costing the environment more than the other.

To move the needle on the bigger topics like how researchers claim that 12 months of emissions from the Ukraine war are comparable to a year of emissions from 1-3 countries depending on size, we need to start having the smaller tough conversations on milk and straws, to graduate to the military industry complex and how it is harming the planet in more ways than we realize.

[sadbunnysworld]

:(

Why are all the people who once said they loved me not with me? I am worthless, that's why no one is with me.

I'm never enough for people, I don't understand what's wrong with me, why can't I have someone to be with or someone to talk to? Why do I always have to be alone?

I feel so bad, I'm tired of always being the extra person in other people's lives. Every person leaves me, even if they promise me they never will, they always do. I should never believe that again, I look silly doing that over and over again, I have to realize that all people leave me because I am never going to be important or a priority to anyone, there is always something above me.

Why can't I be worth enough for someone to be with me? Why can I put aside my problems to offer the best to anyone and no one does it for me?

No one has ever done it for me, I am always left out. They don't seem to care.

You should stop trying so hard, everyone is going to leave you anyway, as usual. You might as well go on with your life as you have been, being alone and keeping everything to yourself because you don't even have a single person to trust, or even care about what you have to say; that's why I think I love my dog so much, even though he can't talk to me he's the only companion I have, the only one I can hang out with and the one who is always there for me. It's so sad, why can't I be counted on? I love my dog, he is the only thing I have left.

I am too tired of crying every day for people who have hurt me, my whole life has been the same, people always manage to hurt me in one way or another, that's why I already know what will happen when I meet a new person…. No matter how hard I try and give my best version of myself, they always move away.

I would like to be calm, but I can't stop crying. Why does everyone hurt me? Why can't I be happy for more than 2 weeks? Does everything always have to end so soon for me?

I would like to know what it feels like to be happy, not just feel happy for a few weeks and then go back to being completely locked up with my thoughts. I am tired. I don't want to cry anymore.

I don't know what to do anymore.

I don't want to give anyone a chance to get to know me again, to tell them my problems and my fears, if they are going to walk away anyway and what I will have said will only be for me as usual. I am very afraid, I really don't know what I am going to do if everything continues this way for me; in my 19 years of life there has not been one year in which I have been happy for as long as I can remember. I have spent my whole life crying because I am never taken into account, I am not important, and people easily forget about me.

Why does it have to be like this? Am I going to feel this way all my life?

I would like to know what it feels like to have someone in my life and not have them leave. I'm tired of being alone.

I don't know what I'm going to do. Maybe if I'm thinner people will like me more and I can finally be with someone who won't walk away from me. Or maybe if I'm prettier, or maybe if I don't exist everything will be better.

Anyway I don't do anything, I have no impact on anyone's life, the only thing I have is a space on my instagram where I tell things that no one cares about and probably skip my stories, but it makes me feel that someone is interested in what I do, what I think superficially and maybe my way of being. I know it's not like that, no one cares about all that, but it makes me feel that way.

I'm tired of myself. I wish I could find a solution for this, but I have so many problems and I have been through so many bad things in my life, that I sincerely consider that it is impossible to be able to fix all of them, the damage is already there and cannot be changed.

Sometimes I would like to be born again to see if life treats me a little bit better, if people, experiences, thoughts and everything would change for the better. If I could be genuinely happy.

My eyes hurt sm and also my chest from crying.

I can't stop.

I wish I could write my life and avoid such traumatizing things; that no one had ever done anything with me that I didn't want, that I would never have started to think that the only thing that is worth of me is my body and therefore make or try to make it "perfect", that the people who I gave the most would never have hurt me, that the people I begged to stay would not have had to beg them, that I would have friends, that I would not have been demeaned, that I would have been taken in consideration, that they would not play with me, that they would not have treated me as the worst, that I wouldn't have given more than I should have, that I wouldn't have cried myself to sleep all night every day, that I wouldn't have been treated like this, that I wouldn't have been a worthless person, that at some point this feeling of hatred towards me for feeling that I am not enough, that I wouldn't be someone easy to replace, that people would love me as I love them, that I wouldn't feel as if I were invisible, that I wouldn't be the person who always has to go after the others. I wish everything were different. I am tired.

No more.